KHMER LUGE--In this lively test of speed, nerve and will, homeless peasants from all 172 Olympic nations will be herded into the ice venue and persecuted for their religious, economic and social beliefs. In the second stage of the event, held in the middle of the night, the peasants will be forced to slide unclothed along a two-mile course of black ice before being deposited into the fjord. Favorites to mount the winner's podium include Cambodia, Serbia and...well, the Germans.

CLAIM JUMPING--Incorporating for the first time the popular surgical bombing event, this competition has its historical roots in the age-old notion that the only good Poland is a Poland constantly invaded, dissected and reconstituted by assorted Russians and Germans. In the Lillehammer heats and finals, a ten-acre mixed-use parcel in the center of the city, speckled with public buildings, condominium units, four restaurants, three gas stations and a major arms plant, will be put up for grabs by teams of the competing nations. Assassinations of local officials are worth ten points, takeovers of police headquarters thirty. Public abdication by the mayor of Lillehammer will score 100 points, and if a team is able to rename the city and arbitrarily redraw its municipal borders in such a way that half the world believes that's the way things always were, it wins the gold medal outright. Once again, the event is a new one, but already there are so many competent teams heading in that it's impossible to predict the medal finish. But here's a hint: Keep your eye on the Iraqis.

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