PEOPLE & PLACES

Best Appearance on Letterman by a Colorado Human
Amanda Archuleta
Fort Lupton

The seven-year-old winner of the sheep-riding contest at the National Western Stock Show, Amanda Archuleta told Dave she'd trained for the "Mutton Bustin'" event by riding her grandmother. "I couldn't get my legs around the sheep, and I couldn't get my legs around Grandma," she said.

Best Appearance on Letterman by a Colorado Dog
Racer
Colorado Springs

Miniature dachshund Racer did a mean imitation of a Doberman pinscher for "Stupid Pet Tricks," scrunching up his snout, growling and glaring demonically. His owner, a woman who egged him on by shouting in his ear, was pretty scary, too.

Best Appearance on Letterman's Property by a Colorado Human
Margaret Ray
The pride of Crawford, Colorado, Margaret Ray continued her reign as the Energizer bunny of celebrity obsession--and as the butt of David Letterman's jokes. Though she's been arrested at least seven times for barging onto the TV star's Connecticut property, she keeps going and going and going...

Best Letterman Top 10 List Devoted to a Former Coloradan
"Ten Signs You're in Love With Secretary of Transportation Federico Pena"
10. You read nine newspapers in hopes of seeing his name.
9. You believe his speeches are filled with secret messages to you.
8. You hate other cabinet members for holding him back.

7. In your new wallet, where it says, "In case of emergency, please notify," you filled in "Federico Pena."

6. You don't mind that he's just a secretary.
5. You've put posters of him up right over your old posters of former transportation secretary James Burnley.

4. Your two cats are named Fed and Pena.
3. You break into his house claiming to be Mrs. Pena.
2. You drive 55, hoping he'll notice.

1. You come to after being hit with a two-by-four and say, "Forget about me. How's Federico Pena?"

Best Resurrection of an Historic Trail (Urban)
Colfax Avenue
Reportedly the longest city street in the country, Colfax Avenue stretches from the foothills to seemingly clear out in Kansas. Along the way, it embraces some of Colorado's honkyiest tonks--from the ZanzaBar to the Bugs Bunny Motel. In honor of the strip's glorious, if goriest, history, this year the Colorado Legislature--itself located on this neat street--passed a resolution declaring Colfax "a heritage corridor." Supporters argued that the street was as worthy as Route 66, even if it didn't have a TV show named for it. Responded one lawmaker: "Sure it did. They called it Dragnet."

Best Resurrection of an Historic Trail (Rural)
Old Spanish Trail
While the rest of the country celebrated the 150th anniversary of the Oregon Trail, the Old Spanish Trail Association, with San Luis Valley historian Ron Kessler in the lead (and Senators Ben Nighthorse Campbell and Hank Brown pulling from Washington, D.C.), labored to gain historic designation for a far older route. The Old Spanish Trail not only spans 1,200 miles of spectacular scenery but centuries of history as well. And Colorado accounts for a significant cut of the action, since the northern branch--which approximates the 1776 route taken by early Spanish explorers Dominguez and Escalante--leads north through the San Luis Valley and Saguache before turning west and heading into Utah. Vaya con Dios.

Best Colfax Avenue Memory
Eddie Bohn's Pig `N' Whistle
For decades, boxer Eddie Bohn's Pig `N' Whistle motel/restaurant was the most fabulous stop on the Fabulous 40 strip. But after I-70 drew off the tourist traffic and this stretch of Colfax turned into one used-car lot after another, Bohn was fighting a losing battle. His place closed up almost immediately after he died several years ago; the last remains of the Pig are scheduled to be auctioned off this summer. In the meantime, let's drink a brandy flip to Eddie and recite this ode in his honor:

Notes Upon Driving Down West Colfax on a Foggy Night at 2 a.m.
I thought I saw the ghost of Eddie Bohn
Walk through the Pig `N' Whistle grounds, alone,
Where once his pink adobe rooms were rented
To pugilists he (in the past) tormented.
His pink motel was gateway to the West!
The murals on his dining room--the best!
His curios were rad, his themes were piggish,
His hands, his ears, his feet, all were biggish--
As was his son, Punch Bohn, the loud, the kind,
Who often asked: "Who gives a rat's behind?"
I thought I saw his beehived consort, Janet,
Who if you had a party, she could plan it
With Pig-Upon-a-Bun for ten or twenty
And always beer and brandy flips aplenty.
I thought I saw the Pig when it was hopping
With Bronco fans who, for the weekend stopping,
Would pal about with Eddie on the links
Or later, in the cocktail lounge, for drinks.
Oh, Pig `N' Whistle, wherefore art thou lately?
Your neon dimmed, your mass no longer stately
Inside you not a quipper nor a kidder
Your whole shebang sold to the highest bidder.
When next the auctioneer comes 'round I pray
That whosoever purchases you that day
Will steel him or herself with stalwart nerve
To treat you with the honor you deserve.
--Anon.

end of part 2

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