Luckily, She Knew a Good Personal Injury Lawyer
A secretary for a downtown Denver law firm became trapped between two electrically operated file drawers and had to be saved with the "Jaws of Life."

Lochbuie Says Thanks and Happy Motoring
A Lochbuie policeman was charged with six counts of embezzlement for allegedly pocketing cash fines he collected from motorists pulled over in traffic stops on Interstate 76.

Honey, I Beat Up the Shrink
Police probed allegations that a Louisville man accused of sending threatening faxes to his wife also hired two thugs to work over a man he had hired to mediate his marriage.

Coloradans for Family Values
Authorities charged a Westminster mother of two with welfare fraud for collecting $356 per month from Aid to Families With Dependent Children. Officials said the 26-year-old should have reported the $1,000-per-week income she received from running a prostitution ring.

A Lakewood man was arrested on assault charges after allegedly choking his wife to the point of unconsciousness because she revealed to the couple's eight-year-old daughter that the family was having liver for dinner. When his wife told him she let the information slip by accident, he replied, "There are no accidents."

Longmont police called to the scene of an alleged arson attempt found an eleven-year-old boy carrying a can of lighter fluid. The youth explained that he was burning his mother's marijuana.

A Lakewood man rubbed police the wrong way when he hired a stripper to entertain at his twelve-year-old son's birthday party. The boy and his friends told police they expected to eat birthday cake and watch a football game.

Thank God She Didn't Send Atomic Fireballs
After members of the Denver police bomb squad exploded a suspicious package found at the federal courthouse, they were showered with bits of See's candy and a woman's thank-you note to an assistant U.S. attorney.

They Threw the Coloring Book at Him
A ten-year-old Grand Junction boy and his eight-year-old brother were accused of walking into a convenience store with an unloaded BB gun and telling the clerk, "Give me your money--not!" The boys left without taking any money and proceeded to a supermarket, where they purchased candy. The older boy was charged with criminal aggravated robbery.

It's Not Just a Job...
The Colorado National Guard agreed to a federal audit to probe allegations that more than 1,300 of the state's weekend warriors were collecting unemployment checks along with their Guard pay.

He Was Having a White Sale
A group of Denver-area black businesswomen wrote a letter of protest after a Grand Junction clothing store owner greeted them by quipping "Hey! Watermelon's not served until 1 o'clock!" The businessman later apologized but said he didn't understand why the women were so sensitive.

Internal Revenue Service
A ninety-year-old man drove his car through the front window of an H&R Block tax-preparation office in Longmont. According to a worker, the man "was delivering some tax information. In fact, he handed it out the window to me as he was sitting in the car."

Scientific Americans
A Denver high school chemistry teacher blew two fingers off his hand while performing a classroom experiment. Several nearby students were also injured.

A science experiment at a middle school in Lakewood produced toxic fumes and what witnesses described as a gut-wrenching "rotten-egg smell." Police and firefighters removed the chemical mixture from the premises.

Officers on Patrol, Part III
An Adams County sheriff's deputy ran his patrol car off the road while responding to an emergency call and collided with a utility pole. He suffered a minor head injury; the car was totaled.

Let the Chips Fall Where They May
Federal agents seized a kilogram of what appeared to be heroin from illegal aliens in a no-knock drug raid in Aspen. The substance was later determined to be tortilla flour.

His Chief Campaign Platform Was Crime
A candidate for sheriff in Jefferson County was sentenced to 180 days in jail after pointing a gun at a sheriff's deputy.

Parts Is Parts
A 31-year-old Lakewood man who cut off his own penis and testicles with a knife was taken into custody after he tried to fight off police officers sent to his aid. The man told officers he ate the missing body parts, but a police spokeswoman said two testicles were found in his garage. Added the officer, "The other body part remains missing."

A Denver man told police two men broke into his apartment and stole his left eye from its socket. Police later determined the man had removed the eye himself.

Dam Him!
A beaver cut down a tree, which fell on a power line and blacked out the towns of Sawpit and Placerville. The incident was the second time in two months that the beaver, well known to local authorities, had caused a disruption in electrical service.

Only You Can Prevent Drive-By Shootings
A Colorado House of Representatives committee voted down a bill to again allow a spring bear hunt, despite testimony by its sponsor, Lew Entz of Hopper, that bears were "harassing kids in the streets of Aguilar." Entz said a constituent told him, "We got a problem out here with bears like the urban area does with gangs."

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