The Special That Day Was Pork
Adams County District Attorney Bob Grant treated his office staff to lunch for National Secretaries Day and then billed the $385 tab to taxpayers.

Their Own Private Idaho
Police responded to a riot at a Denver hobo camp when transients began pelting each other with potatoes.

Next Project: A Strip Mall
The owner of a family-style restaurant in Lyons threatened to turn his eatery into a topless bar and an adjoining campground into a nude sunbathing area if the county didn't let him run an RV park on the property.

A Vigorish Prosecution
The El Paso County district attorney filed criminal usury charges against a pawnbroker who reportedly was making loans with an annual interest rate of 240 percent.

Good Thing He Wasn't a Pure Shooter
An Aurora man was sentenced to 100 years in prison for whipping out an Uzi and firing madly after his team lost a pick-up basketball game at Del Mar Park.

Blanket Indictment
A Douglas County man entered a plea of no-contest to third-degree asssault after being accused of knocking his wife out of bed after asking her to move over and give him more room. He claimed he accidentally elbowed her when awakened from a deep sleep.

Setting an Example
A volunteer firefighter in Teller County admitted to setting eleven arson fires so he could "improve his firefighting skills" and move up in the organization.

Don't Have a Cow, Man!
A Wheat Ridge woman reported receiving a harassing phone call from a man apparently upset by her answering-machine message, which concluded with her young son saying, "Later, dude." The caller reportedly said, "Get your son off the answering machine. He sounds like a fucking dork. Get him off the answering machine, stupid ass."

The Eye of Newt Is Still on Order
A U.S. District Court judge ruled that a prisoner must be provided with candles, a robe, incense, a gong, a chalice, a wooden staff and a ritual chamber so he could practice satanism in a federal lockup in Jefferson County.

The Public Library Must Have Been Closed That Day
Denver police temporarily closed a bargain store on the city's southwest side after more than 2,000 people standing in line to purchase televisions and microwaves that were advertised at 99 cents began rioting.

From the State That Gave You Margaret Ray...
A 27-year-old Denver woman pleaded guilty to threatening the life of U.S. Representative Joseph P. Kennedy of Massachusetts after he failed to respond to sixteen of her love letters.

I Love You, You Love Me
Wheat Ridge police responding to a reported late-night disturbance found two grown men and two women playing with a stuffed Barney the Dinosaur doll.

Getting Away From It All
The year's death toll in scenic Rocky Mountain National Park: four heart attacks, one death in a fall and two suicides.

In Their Own Words
"Dear Babe, I can't get you out of my mind today. I'm so happy about that I can hardly contain myself. I woke up this morning feeling so in love with you...Today I wish you could come and take me away with you. I want to be with you forever sweetheart--and I want us to have a life together that we have wished for for so long...Please hurry baby, my heart breaks without you."
--From a note found in the truck of a 44-year-old high school teacher in Colorado Springs charged with second-degree murder in the beating death of his wife.

"Oh, honey, you know they're not going to come."
--A Denver 911 dispatcher to a citizen who called to report a crack deal. The dispatcher was later fired for hanging up on callers.

"He was giving her a noogie, like a head scrub."
--A Denver mother describing what she claimed was her eighteen-year-old son's accidental killing of a female middle-school student. The defendant was convicted on murder and rape charges.

"Because of my split personality, I really don't know if I am guilty or not guilty."
--A defendant charged with petty theft in Denver County Court.

"Both of you guys come over here!"
--A deputy sheriff in the courtroom after the defendant was sentenced to ten days in jail.

But She Never Ran Out of Grass
A Colorado Springs woman who bought her Ford Taurus at a police auction took the vehicle to a dealer when it kept running low on fuel. Mechanics found seventy pounds of marijuana stuffed in a custom-made compartment in her gas tank.

What a Way to Go
A Longmont man injured when he rolled his sports car on Colorado 66 managed to crawl back to the roadway, where he was hit by a passing motorist and killed.

A Boulder painter died after getting his head caught in a metal scaffold.

A Yoder woman was beaten to death with a garden hose.

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