By Noah Hubbell
By Kiernan Maletsky
By Tom Murphy
By Noah Hubbell
By Alex Distefano
By Darryl Smyers
By Jon Solomon
By Britt Chester
Runners-up. 3. "Hey Nineteen" (1980): Beloved by middle-aged men who get horny watching The Breakfast Club. 2. "Aja" (1977): Recorded during the period when the boys began to get too enamored of overslick jazz. 1. "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" (1974): Rikki may have lost the number by now, but classic-rock DJs will never misplace it.
The Winner. "Do It Again" (1972): On second thought, don't.
Runners-up. 3. "Arrested for Driving While Blind" (1976): Gets big laughs from people serving time for vehicular homicide. 2. "Gimme All Your Lovin" (1983): Retooled for the MTV generation. Dig that dorky synthesizer. 1. "Legs" (1984): They couldn't mention their other favorite body parts on the radio.
The Winner. "Tush" (1975): When male chauvinists sexually harass women, this is the song going through their heads.
1. THE MOODY BLUES. The band that put the term "symphonic rock and roll" into the musical lexicon has a lot to answer for. So let's get started, shall we?
Runners-up. 3. "The Story in Your Eyes" (1971): A sad, sad story. 2. "Tuesday Afternoon (Forever Afternoon)" (1968): Jocks love putting this on during (surprise) Tuesday afternoons. Appropriate! 1. "I'm Just a Singer (in a Rock and Roll Band)" (1973): Debatable.
The Winner. "Nights in White Satin" (1968). Our biggest oversight. This turgid slab of yuck could be about anything from cocaine to the Ku Klux Klan--we can't bear to analyze its mock-poetic lyrics long enough to know for certain. But this we're sure of: We can't wait until these "Nights" are over.
Our previous rankings of one-shots by acts that didn't make the main list of classic-rock overachievers featured a slew of deserving victors, including Bachman Turner Overdrive, Kansas, Golden Earring and Foghat. The names added by readers are just as hallowed--and generally as horrifying:
10. "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," by Pat Benatar (1980). A darling of despicable spouse-abusers everywhere, "Hit Me" is sung by the only female artist to make the grade--echoing the overwhelmingly male tenor of our initial piece. You can bet that somewhere, Stevie Nicks is pissed.
9. "Hocus Pocus," by Focus (1973). Admit it: The first time you heard this ridiculously drawn out novelty song from Dutch progressive rockers Jon Akkerman and Thijs Van Leer, you knew they'd never have another American chart success. And you were right.
8. "Come and Get It," by Badfinger (1970). Penned by Paul McCartney and made sort of famous by the Peter Sellers flick The Magic Christian, "Come" has the kind of melody that some people could listen to endlessly. For those in the other camp, it represents a special brand of torture.
7. "Love Hurts," by Nazareth (1976). Fans of country-rock pioneer Gram Parsons know that this song can be lovely in the right hands. But the hands attached to these idiots from Scotland are wrong, wrong, wrong.
6. "All the Young Dudes," by Mott the Hoople (1972). Mott put out a lot of good music in its day, but only made waves with this androgynous mosaic produced by David Bowie. Note to you macho, hairy-chested types who like it: For a time, this was regarded as a homosexual anthem.
5. "Hold Your Head Up," by Argent (1972). When singer/keyboardist Rod Argent was in the Zombies, he contributed to some pretty good radio fare. But it's difficult to picture him holding his head up about this weak solo venture.
4. "Rock and Roll Part 2," by Gary Glitter (1972). A walking, talking trivia question, Glitter made his mark with songs whose rhythms simulate the sound of a rhinocerous tap-dancing. Haven't we heard this enough at hockey games?
3. "Bang the Drum All Day," by Todd Rundgren (1982). "Bang" is an enjoyable enough anti-work tune, but it gets played whenever some nutty radio jock wants to suck up to the blue-collar crowd. Which, according to our respondents, happens all too frequently.
2. "Bang a Gong (Get It On)," by T. Rex (1972). More banging from the late Marc Bolan, who wrote a handful of groovy tunes before clocking out. But you wouldn't know it by listening to classic-rock radio.
1. "Green-Eyed Lady," by Sugarloaf (1970). Yes! Denver's own Sugarloaf takes the prize with this wacky ode to womankind, delivered by lead singer Jerry Corbetta in a stentorian voice that would do Tom Jones proud. Remember--it doesn't have to be old to be classic. But it sure helps.