DIAL "M" FOR MEDIOCRE

KLT-AM/800 (May 2)
DJ: Steven Lee, a slick and professional sort.
Who's asking for your money: San Diego's Dr. David Jeremiah, your host for Turning Point. On this day, his sermon is entitled "Snare of the Savage Wolves," which spotlights the new-age movement--"what's so lethal about it, and how it reaches out to entrap us in the world today." Dr. Jeremiah has written a book on this very topic, and he thinks you might enjoy buying it and other "resources" he's assembled for you.

KLZ-AM/560 (May 1)
DJ: Tim Brotzman, the station's program director. He's deep-voiced, engaging and cheery. He sounds as if he would fit in well on just about any secular Top 40 station--until he starts quoting Matthew.

Who's asking for your money: Just about everybody. There is one syndicated spot: Jane Chastain, from Costa Mesa, California, declares that the recent take-your-daughters-to-work day was completely unfair, because it didn't include boys--who, as we all know, have been the targets of sexual discrimination in the workplace for centuries. But for the most part, KLZ concentrates on contemporary Christian music that's relatively pleasing to the ears of modern listeners, as well as the delivery of commercials in which advertisers are characterized as God-fearing believers just like you and me. For example, a kitchen company is described as a "Christian-run business that shares your Christian values." Brotzman adds, "You don't want just anybody coming into your home--someone who's probably listening to Lewis and Floorwax. You don't want that kind of influence. So call KLZ's dependable partner in cabinetry." And if you don't, the pitch implies, you'll go straight to hell.

OLDIES/NOSTALGIA
The musical approaches of these seven stations (including KXKL-AM/1280 and KXKL-FM/105.5, which simulcast the same material) are not identical, but their appeal is: People tune in because they know that they won't hear any songs that are new and unfamiliar. That's a recipe for stagnation--so it's appropriate that these outlets are largely inert. Some rely on disc-jockey teams to keep things crisp, but during our test period, the result was often as stale as your average cadaver.

KEZW-AM/1430 (May 4)
Slogan: "Mornings Are So Comfortable Here," and "Start Your Day the Easy Way."
DJs: David Hixson, who sounds so relaxed that he may actually be unconscious.

Songs: Six, ranging from the pleasant (something jivey by Peggy Lee) to the Satanic (Frank Mills's gruesome "Music Box Dancer"). The focus is on music released from the Forties to the Seventies--but there's nothing to rile up those of you with heart conditions.

Commercials: Six, not counting a pair of promos.
Contests: Someone wins two tickets to view a designer's show house.
Worst moment: At one point, Hixson insists, "This is what the other stations wish they could play."

KIMN-FM/100.3 (May 9)
Slogan: "Seventies Feel-Good Oldies." (Which means no Black Sabbath, we suppose.)

DJs: Dom and L.A. The prankster and the stick-in-the-mud.
Songs: Three--if you consider "Help Is on Its Way," by the Little River Band, to be a song.

Commercials: Six.
Contests: The person who answers the 7:50 "mind-bender" wins two tickets to the Colorado Symphony Orchestra.

Worst moment: A new one every time Dom and L.A. speak.

KRFX-FM/103.5 (May 9)
Slogan: "Colorado's Classic Rock."
DJs: Rick Lewis and Michael Floorwax. Who good Christians shouldn't listen to.

Songs: Four--two by Tom Petty and two by the Who. Because it's "Two-fer Tuesday."

Commercials: Twelve, plus an extended plug for an "Air Fox" trip to the Indianapolis 500.

Contests: None--but Floorwax mentions that he'll soon be speaking with a guy he set up with a blind date for the evening's Jimmy Page-Robert Plant concert. "We have a good feeling that maybe he's going to get popped," Floorwax enthuses.

Worst moment: Channel 4 anchor Stephanie Riggs guests on the program; Floorwax calls her a "total fox, a total babe" and announces, "We want to worship you" in the slobbering tone of Beavis and Butt-head after one too many bottles of Boone's Farm. The one genuinely amusing exception: When Floorwax tells Riggs, "You're too good for this town," she doesn't disagree.

KXKL-FM/105.1 and KXKL-AM/1280 (May 10)
Slogan: "Great Oldies All the Time, KOOL 105"/"Good Times and Great Oldies."
DJs: T.K. and the Coach, who seem to think that emulating Bob Saget is the route to comedy nirvana. A pre-Mother's Day phone call to Tim Allen's mom proves about as laugh-provoking as The Sorrow and the Pity.

Songs: Four. KOOL tends to specialize in playing only the most overplayed rock oldies. When was the last time you heard Roy Orbison's "This Magic Moment" and Elvis Presley's "All Shook Up"? Ten minutes ago?

Commercials: Seven, plus a live spot for Medved Autoplex.
Contests: None.
Worst moment: Five numbing minutes spent not discussing the book Baby Bargains.

KOSI-FM/101.1 (May 9)
Slogan: "The Most Music in the Morning" (not even close), "The Best Music on the Radio" (in your dreams), and "Denver's Favorite Light Rock and Soft Hits" (doubtful).

DJs: Paxton Mills and Denise Washington-Blomberg. They're more low-key than most male-female anchor teams, but Washington-Blomberg does snicker when Mills tells a tepid O.J. Simpson one-liner.