DIAL "M" FOR MEDIOCRE

Contests: A woman is given ice-cream cakes and a "full-service tan and massage" and qualifies to win a trip to Las Vegas.

Worst moment: The horror of recognizing another song by Kenny Loggins.

MISCELLANEOUS
Believe it or don't, there are four stations in Denver that don't fit into a larger pigeonhole. However, three of them represent once-popular categories now on the wane. And to put it mildly, none of them are what you might call radical.

KKYD-AM/1340 (May 4)
Slogan: "Kid Radio Aahs." (The name refers to a children's radio satellite service located in Minnesota.)

What's different?: The format is designed to delight the under-twelve set--but those over that age likely will find the resulting blend positively criminal. The DJs, Dan Geiger and Liv Learner, are so condescending and cutesy-poo that they can cause sugar shock; Geiger's impressions of Bob Dylan and Neil Young crooning "Happy Birthday" are a prime example. Just as stultifying is their interview with a so-called camping expert. If the almost total lack of advertising during the show is any indication, the station may not be around in its current form for much longer.

KHIH-FM/95.7 (May 8)
Slogan: "Colorado's Home for Smooth Jazz." ("Smooth Jazz" being a synonym for "Muzak.")

What's different?: KHIH is the last station in the region to dedicate itself wholly to jazz--of a sort. Two of the five songs introduced by DJ Cheri Marquart aren't jazz at all (Anita Baker and Chris Isaak don't exactly rate with John Coltrane), and even the cut by Pat Metheny was mellow enough to cure insomnia. The quickest way to kill the true spirit of jazz is to pretend this swill is representative of it.

KDKO-AM/1510 (May 4)
Slogan: "The Power Station" and "Your `Unity in the Community' Station."
What's different?: KDKO is Denver's only urban-music outlet--an antidote to the lily-white sounds emanating from just about every other radio tower. But that doesn't mean that it's musically adventurous. The programmers eschew rap almost entirely, opting instead for smooch ballads by the likes of Boyz II Men and Mary J. Blige. Morning jocks Mike Love and John Bowman play only three tunes and air but one commercial; the rest of the time, they riff off news and sports reports in a completely random, and rambling, fashion. They act as if no one was listening other than themselves--and, aside from us, they may be right.

KVOD-FM/99.5 (May 10)
Slogan: "The Classical Voice of Denver."
What's different?: The only commercial station specializing in classical music, KVOD is the kind of outlet that you must listen to while sitting in the book-lined den of a mansion with a pipe in your mouth. The DJ, Terry McDonald, announces classical pieces (such as a Bach miniature by Eugene Ormandy and the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra) as if he were introducing Masterpiece Theatre. Similarly, the advertising is aimed at the affluent and comfortable; banks, insurance companies, investment firms and Cadillacs are hyped. KVOD's tone seems to say, "If you're poor, listen to something else." Okay by us.

end of part 1