STAND UP FOR YOUR PRINCIPALS!

In closing, let me add that I'll expect every one of you to be in your seats for Saturday's game against Lusitania by 12:30 sharp. Justice Scalia has kindly consented to sing the national anthem, and if you know what's good for you, you'll all be singing with him. Until then, this is The Principal bidding you farewell. Go, Skullbusters! And have a nice day. That means you, Norman Wart. Mark my words: We've not only seen you sagging your pants in flagrant violation of school policy, we know all about that little embezzlement scheme of yours down at the Malt N' Burger.

Speaking of criminals, how about that Bernie Bickerstaff?
At the beginning of last week's National Basketball Association draft, it looked like your Denver Nuggets would wind up with undersized shooting guard Brand Exx, from Southwestern Alaska Tech, and a couple of towel boys. But before you could say "Rodney Rogers is a lumbering clot of Nembutal," the Nuggs' general manager, president, head coach and master thief relieved the worst team in the league of its hope for the future.

Highly regarded Alabama power forward Antonio McDyess, chosen second overall by the hapless Los Angeles Clippers, is now a Nugget, thanks to Bickerstaff's sleight of hand. The disappointing Rogers and Denver's lackluster number-fifteen pick, Brent Barry, got shipped off to the Clips in a draft trade coup.

If the bunco squad hasn't busted Bernie yet, it's probably on the way. At 6-9 and 220 pounds, McDyess is widely seen as a can't-miss NBA prospect whom Bickerstaff compares to one of his earlier finds, Seattle Supersonic Shawn Kemp, and others see as another Horace Grant--but even tougher. He averaged 13.9 points and 10.2 rebounds per game in his senior year at Alabama and dazzled NCAA tournament audiences with 39 points and 19 boards against Penn, 22 points and 17 rebounds versus Oklahoma State.

On his radio show last week, ex-Nuggets coach Doug Moe also enthused over McDyess. For his part, the shy young Mississippian said it would be an honor to share the same court with his NBA hero, Dikembe Mutombo.

Before they slap the cuffs on Bickerstaff, let's hope he--or somebody--can pull off another miracle and get the mysteriously injured LaPhonso Ellis back onto the floor. If an Ellis/McDyess tandem ever gets to Denver's front line, look out.

Meanwhile, here's to you, Bernie.

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