A 35-year-old man also didn't get far after he hopped the fence at the Colorado National Guard compound in Boulder and tried to steal a ten-ton ammunition truck. He hadn't even made it across the yard before he stalled in a ditch and was taken prisoner by local authorities. He could have used a few pointers in the art of the deal from two suburban teens caught red-handed by an Arapahoe County sheriff's deputy while spraying graffiti at Southglenn Mall. Upon their arrest, the scribblers told the officer, "We're not taggers, we're graphic artists."

Equally indignant upon his arrest was radical TV talk-show host Bob Enyart, who was slapped with a sixty-day jail sentence after being convicted of paddling his seven-year-old stepson to the point of bruising. Immediately after the verdict, Enyart vowed to continue spanking his children, noting that youngsters who aren't spanked "on their backsides" grow up to be killers who murder cab drivers, not to mention graphic artists. In yet another brush with authorities, Enyart was investigated by the Arapahoe County DA for possible criminal libel after holding up a picture of a man who died of AIDS and telling his TV viewers, "Don't be a homo." The DA concluded there was no criminal violation.

Justice-system officials also had their hands full with committed scofflaw Douglas Bruce, who, after being sent to jail for contempt of court, staged a brief hunger strike, vowing not to shower, shave or eat solid food until his release. While jailed, the renowned anti-tax crusader and Five Points slumlord was segregated from other inmates, reportedly because he was afraid to shower with them. Exhibiting his usual savvy regarding the legal system, Bruce represented himself at trial, accusing city officials of "rampant perjury" for asserting that he failed to maintain a home he owns in Five Points and didn't respond to repeated warnings by city building inspectors to fix a hole in the roof caused by firefighters sent to extinguish a fire at the property.

Bruce could only be thankful he wasn't placed under the eagle eye of the San Miguel County Sheriff's office, which dutifully reported what its deputies had found while executing a drug-search warrant on a Norwood home. Noted the incident report, "A search revealed anatomically correct male and female mannequins hidden under a bed." Also uncovered: a box containing "hundreds of Polaroids" of local residents engaging in "sexual acts" with the mannequins. Not uncovered: any illegal drugs.

Sometimes it seemed as if there were no limit to the depths of depravity plumbed by the Rocky Mountain region's evildoers. Two masked men knocked a Catholic brother unconscious after he found them in the vestments room of the Light of the World Church in Littleton; before passing out, the victim remembered being asked "where the money was." Three generally law-abiding fathers in Lyman, Wyoming, confessed to offering their high-school-age sons $100 apiece if they could manage to hurt opposing players during prep football games. When confronted with the bounty offer, the bad dads stressed that they had at least required a clean hit for a cash payoff.

Even the manager of a Christian bookstore in Denver was arrested, after he allegedly padded sales figures in an effort to claim a new car in a sales contest. Authorities grew suspicious after he claimed to have sold four times as many albums as were shipped to his store during the contest period. Said the former Bible-college graduate, "I got greedy."

Nobody seemed to know what got into the middle-aged, gray-haired man who committed a one-man crime wave against a Volvo sedan belonging to former governor Dick Lamm. Apparently peeved by Lamm's parking job outside a Denver business, the assailant stomped on the hood of the Volvo, scratched the driver's-side door with his keys, jumped up and down on the roof and, as a coup de grace, backed into the offensive vehicle with his Jeep Cherokee.

It was the sort of behavior that made one yearn for the hands-on law enforcement provided by the Weld County Sheriff's office. When the town of Grover (population: 125) held its annual Father's Day rodeo and dance, town fathers counted no fewer than 37 law enforcement vehicles in the parking lot of the local general store. The sheriff explained the show of force by noting that townspeople had been drinking too much at the Father's Day bashes.

AVIATION
Coloradans continued to reach for the stars this year. Magellan T. Bear donned a royal-blue flight suit and Colorado flag pin as he blasted into orbit aboard the space shuttle Discovery as a representative of Elk Creek Elementary School in the tiny town of Pine. After touchdown, the stuffed emissary was scheduled for a photo session with Mickey Mouse at Disney World.

The real Fantasyland, however, continued to be Denver International Airport, which opened February 28 with 87 gates (Stapleton had 111), a $3.2 billion construction tab (original estimate: $1.4 billion), per-passenger costs of $18.80 (original projection: $7), roughly 22,000 jobs (about the same as Stapleton ten years ago) and a prediction by United Airlines that it would lose only about 1,000 bags per day in the automatic baggage system. Noted opening-day passenger Rip Martin, "Only a fool would be excited about something that costs more money and is farther away."

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