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THE ENVELOPE PLEASE

HERE'S WHAT GRAMMY HOPEFULS SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR.

The annual announcement of nominees for the Grammy awards is usually as lovingly anticipated by people who know and love music as their next proctological examination. Why? Because the performers acknowledged often warrant several years in time-out more than they do statuettes symbolizing their artistic excellence.

But this year is different. Virtually everyone cited by the voting membership of the Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences this month in advance of the February 27 Grammy broadcast has earned recognition of some sort. Unfortunately, many of the artists have been nominated in the wrong categories--ones that don't effectively emphasize their most memorable accomplishments. Below, find our effort to set things right by giving the acts the nominations they deserve:

Alanis Morrissette
Actual nominations: Best album of the year (Jagged Little Pill); best song of the year ("You Oughta Know").

Better nomination: The Christopher Cross Memorial Award, for the artist most likely to be a has-been by this time next year.

Michael Jackson
Actual nominations: Album of the year (HI Past, Present and Future, Book 1); best pop vocal performance, male ("You Are Not Alone").

Better nomination: Best Michael Jackson performance since he told Diane Sawyer without laughing that he and his wife have sex with each other.

Joan Osborne
Actual nominations: Best album of the year (Relish); best record of the year and best pop vocal performance, female ("One of Us").

Better nomination: Best impression of Melissa Etheridge, female ("One of Us").

Bryan Adams
Actual nomination: Best pop vocal performance, male ("Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?").

Better nomination: Best impression of Melissa Etheridge, male ("Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?").

Mariah Carey
Actual nominations: Best album of the year (Daydream); best pop vocal performance, female ("Fantasy").

Better nomination: Best proof that marrying the president of your record company doesn't hurt your career.

Pearl Jam
Actual nominations: Best album of the year and best rock album of the year (Vitalogy).

Better nomination: Group most likely to bitch about the irrelevance of the Grammy awards, then show up to receive one anyway.

TLC
Actual nominations: Best record of the year and best pop performance by a duo or group with vocals ("Waterfalls").

Better nomination: Best performance of a song about water by a group featuring a confessed arsonist.

Hootie & the Blowfish
Actual nominations: Best new artist; best pop performance by a duo or group with vocals ("Let Her Cry").

Better nomination: The Huey Lewis and the News Memorial Award, for achieving mega-success in spite of being about as interesting as a box of dirt.

Seal
Actual nominations: Best record of the year and best song of the year ("Kiss From a Rose").

Better nomination: Best spokesman for proper skin care (runner-up: Manuel Noriega).

Brandy
Actual nomination: Best new artist.
Better nomination: Best new artist who may actually be a Muppet.

Shania Twain
Actual nominations: Best new artist; best album (The Woman in Me).
Better nomination: Best performance by a country-music artist who has about as much to do with country music as Coolio.

Coolio
Actual nomination: Best record of the year ("Gangsta's Paradise").
Better nomination: Best Stevie Wonder record of the year ("Gangsta's Paradise").

Kenny G
Actual nomination: Best instrumental performance ("Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas").

Better nomination: Best argument for capital punishment.

The Rembrandts
Actual nomination: Best pop performance by a duo or group with vocals ("I'll Be There for You").

Better nomination: Best reason to hate Friends since the publication of the 700th article about Jennifer Aniston's hairdo.

The Presidents of the United States of America, Foo Fighters, Bjork, Nirvana, P.J. Harvey

Actual nomination: Each was recognized for best alternative-music performance.
Better nomination: Best performances by acts that actually don't suck.

Bonnie Raitt
Actual nomination: Best pop vocal performance, female ("You Got It").
Better nomination: Best performance by an artist who would have been nominated even if she'd put out an album of herself belching.

Joni Mitchell
Actual nomination: Best pop album (Turbulent Indigo).
Better nomination: Best performance by an artist who would have been nominated even if she'd put out an album of herself listening to Bonnie Raitt belching.

The Eagles
Actual nominations: Best pop album (Hell Freezes Over); best pop performance by a duo or group with vocals ("Love Will Keep Us Alive").

Better nomination: Best reminder that you really can fool some of the people all of the time.

 
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