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Outclassed

Basketball. Course No. 3434. Two credit hours. INACTIVE. Because the College has been de-emphasizing sports in recent years and Dr. Rodman has grown weary of the game itself, Basketball 3434 will not be offered in either semester of 1996-97--or in any term of the forseeable future. Hey, whatever. When you're involved with subjects as vital as Macroeconomics in the Age of Want (see above) or Effective Public Relations (see page 81 of this catalogue), there's not much time for fun and games. In past semesters, however, participating students were free to enjoy themselves to their hearts' content. No more. Prerequisite: None. Field trip: None. Instructor: None.

Advanced Disruptive Ethics. Course No. 4588X. Four credit hours. Instructor-approved seniors and graduate students only. Enrollees in the College's most challenging upper-level course will formulate models for inflicting early retirement on head coaches, confusing purely personal complaints with hot-button political issues and skipping team practices and exhibition games. The traditional centerpiece of the course is a unit titled "Endangering Your Club's Chances in the Playoffs Through Diversionary Stress Tactics," and it is augmented by a series of films in which the course's original author, our own Dr. Rodman, separates his shoulder in a late-season motorcycle accident and throws a bag of ice at San Antonio head coach Bob Hill. The class project this term (students will be divided into study teams, or "hit squads") will be to dismantle the playing career of Chicago Bulls basketball star Michael Jordan by keeping his mind on anything but the game, fomenting dissension among his remaining teammates and driving Bulls coach Phil Jackson, by season's end, into a halfway house for recovering winos. Another important element of the course is the celebrated "tirade workshop" in which participants practice insulting each other and subtly undermining each other's will and confidence--without benefit of sleep--for 72 hours straight. While Dr. Rodman has led these sessions in semesters past, his present obligations in Ohio preclude his attendance this term. Prerequisite: Principles of Hair Care (course no. 3284). Field trip (mandatory): Nov. 5-7--Home of Vernon Maxwell. Instructor: Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, B.S., N.B.A.

Don't know about yours, but the campus-bound hopeful at our house finds these academic offerings just about irresistible. "Gee, Dad," he says. "I think college is gonna be a lot of fun. Will they let me kick the Gatorade tank instead of doing some boring English theme? Will they?"

You bet, son. And you'll be a better man for it.

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