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We can't have any of that. Not when Shannon Miller is about to stick her dismount.

In the end, America won 101 Olympic medals, more than any other nation. Five Russians were sent home for using illegal drugs. Reebok and Nike finished in a dead heat in their pursuit of the world's finest amateur athletes. Shannon Miller indeed stuck her dismount and won a gold. Michael Johnson succeeded in his quest to become the first man to win both the 200- and 400-meter golds at the Olympic Games, breaking his own world record in the 200. He promptly showed what a graceless jerk he is by trying to upstage Carl Lewis, who won his ninth gold medal by taking first in the long jump for the fourth straight time. No piker himself, King Carl declined to retire gracefully with his fifty pounds of hardware, instead lobbying hard to shove his way onto the U.S. 4-by-100-meter relay team and go for a record tenth gold. (Lewis was not installed on the relay team; Canada upset the U.S. in that event.) In his interview with the 35-year-old Lewis, NBC ace Costas neglected to mention that Lewis ran dead last in the 100-meter final at the U.S. Olympic Trials or that he'd refused to sign up for a relay training camp. No mystery in that: NBC itself had a huge stake in seeing Lewis bump some other sprinter off the relay team. Advertising. Ratings. Jingo pride. You can bet the network put plenty of its own pressure on to get Lewis back on the track.

Maybe Tesh should have played the anthem on the piano.

Tommy Lasorda, the recently retired Los Angeles Dodger manager and self-proclaimed bigamist (happily married to his wife and the team), has long been known for personal warmth, devotion to players and loyalty to his organization. When Lasorda, who recently suffered a heart attack, hung 'em up last week after twenty years as the skipper and nearly half a century in Dodger blue, we dug out an old bootleg audio tape that features excerpts from the philosophies of such twentieth-century thinkers as Earl Weaver, George Brett, Goose Gossage and Sparky Anderson. In our favorite lecture from the series, Professor Lasorda explains to an inquiring reporter how he feels about aspects of the game. And we quote.

On losing:
"I mean, Jesus Christ, if you can't see me walkin' outta here two hours, three hours after the motherfuckin' game and I can't sleep, with my fuckin' head hangin' down, I'm really, I don't give a fuck. So what the fuck do I act like when I do give a fuck?"

On winning:
"That's the fuckin' way I feel when my team wins. If I fuckin' wanna jump up and down when my fuckin' team wins, and I wanna hug my fuckin' players when they do good, I'm gonna fuckin' do it."

And certain opposing players:
"I guaran-fuckin'-tee you this: When I pitched, and I was gonna pitch against a fuckin' team that had guys on it like Bevacqua, who couldn't hit water if he fell out of a fuckin' boat, I'd send a fuckin' limousine to get the cocksucker to make sure he was in the motherfuckin' lineup, because I'd kick that cocksucker's ass any fuckin' day of the week."

Here's hoping the foundryman can fit the whole thing on Tommy's bronze plaque up at Cooperstown.

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