By Joel Warner
By Michael Roberts
By Alan Prendergast
By Michael Roberts
By Michael Roberts
By Amber Taufen
By Patricia Calhoun
By William Breathes
Big Swinging Dorks
Shortly after a Department of Corrections guard won a $362,000 sex-harassment suit over her treatment at the Arkansas Valley Correctional Facility, the prison staff held a going-away party for Deputy Warden Joe Paolino at which he was given a pair of enormous plastic testicles and a pair of pantyhose with a sheath for a male member sewn in the crotch.
Making the Grade
A Denver Public Schools "Stay in School Jam" and rap concert to reward students with good grades was cut short when numerous fistfights broke out in the parking lot.
Officials at DPS rented out the parking lot at South High School for a local auto dealer's giant used-car sale but had to cancel the event when neighbors pointed out that it would violate city zoning.
As part of a grant from the Mayor's Office of Art, Culture and Film, students at DPS's Smiley Middle School created a scale model of a city that came complete with a $2-a-night hotel that offered "adult escorts" to its clientele. "Basically, they can build whatever they want," said their teacher. "We don't want to hinder their creativity."
Actual Correction in the Rocky Mountain News:
"A story on page 70A Sunday regarding a girl killed in Sherman, Texas, when her Halloween wig and costume caught fire incorrectly said she was outfitted as 'Lady Godiva.' The girl was wearing a homemade 'Cousin Itt' costume."
The Young and the Restless
An elementary-school principal in Edgewater summoned police after a school secretary reported seeing a teacher dragging a nine-year-old boy through the lunchroom by his ankles.
A teacher in Meeker was suspended after waving a butcher knife at a student to show how her "sharp" comments were hurting other students.
A Gilpin County science teacher was charged with false imprisonment after hog-tying an unruly seventh-grader, taping his mouth shut and "piling chairs on him."
A high-school wrestling coach in Meeker was acquitted of charges that he picked up a seventeen-year-old wrestler by the genitals during practice.
A Denver man was arrested after police at Denver International Airport found cocaine stuffed inside a deodorant can in his carry-on bag.
For the Benefit of Mr. Kite
Two snowboarders in Clear Creek County accused a man flying a kite of "buzzing" them with the toy, then shooting at them with a gun when they responded by yelling obscenities at him.
An agent from the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms was dispatched to Fort Collins after a pipe bomb destroyed a portable toilet at a new housing development.
An inmate at the Arapahoe County Jail hanged himself by standing on his cell toilet, tying a sheet to an air vent and then jumping off.
A device with "more explosive force than an M-80" destroyed a toilet in the boys' restroom at Grand Junction's Central High School.
Officials at Rocky Mountain National Park announced that mountain goats were no longer welcome in the park because they were a "non-indigenous species."
Officials at the Aurora Animal Shelter announced plans to send an orphan squirrel they found to a "state-licensed wildlife rehabilitator."
A Union Pacific freight train plowed into a herd of elk near Hayden, killing eighteen.
An Aurora man hospitalized after being bitten on the arm by an African lion at the Rocky Mountain Wildlife Conservation Center southeast of Hudson told police he "never should have stuck his arm into the cage."
Eighty rabbits were treated for smoke inhalation after a fire at a private animal sanctuary near Durango.
The same day Golden held its annual Wildlife Information Seminar, a Jefferson County sheriff's deputy struck and killed a mountain lion crossing the road.
* "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
* "A McDonald's would be nice at trail head."
* "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
Take Me Out to the Brawl Game
A Platteville Little League baseball coach faced disorderly-conduct charges after yelling obscenities and head-butting an umpire following a loss.
A Rockies fan, irate when a fourteen-year-old boy stepped on his tote bag in the west stands at Coors Field, threw the youth across three rows of seats.
Keep Your Panties On
Lakewood police arrested a 32-year-old man for hiding a camera in a duffel bag and pointing it up women's skirts at the Villa Italia Mall.
Officers on Patrol, Part 6
A Jefferson County sheriff's deputy won a $110,000 settlement after successfully claiming he had been fired because he was too fat and was subjected to "degrading remarks" about his weight while on the job.
They Talked Their Way Out of It
A state audit revealed that the president and vice president of Aims Community College in Greeley had used state funds to attend a five-day magic convention in Las Vegas. The men claimed that they went to the conference in order to help improve their public-speaking skills.