Dangerous Waves

Thirty minutes in the life of Denver radio.

KHIH-FM/95.7 (24 seconds):
An unfathomably awful smooth jazz track. Kenny G, you're a terrible saxophonist.

KGLL-FM/96.1 (19 seconds):
Two jocks--one male, one female--leaf through the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Could someone please tell them they're on the radio?

KXPK-FM/96.5 (30 seconds):
A song by a new artist who was signed because he doesn't sound like a new artist. Fresh.

KBCO-FM/97.3 (39 seconds):
A couple of Jamaicans are quizzed about whether it's okay to smoke "herb" in a reggae museum. Cheech and Chong were comedy geniuses.

KYGO-FM/98.5 (16 seconds):
A traffic report reminds me that I should occasionally look at the road instead of concentrating on what station I'm switching to next.

KUAD-FM/99.1 (31 seconds):
A generic, mid-tempo hot-country song. I'm guessing that whoever sings it looks hunky in a hat.

KKHK-FM/99.5 (5 seconds):
A commercial for the Wall Street Journal makes me feel bad for not having a real job.

KIMN-FM/100.3 (29 seconds):
It's Bruce Hornsby, or Kenny Loggins, or...does it really matter?

KOSI-FM/101 (16 seconds):
"The Best of My Love," by the Eagles. Welcome to my nightmare.

KTRR-FM/102.5 (11 seconds):
A commercial about learning to speak clearly is so clear that I instantly change the channel.

KRFX-FM/103.5 (10 seconds):
"Jumping Jack Flash," by the Rolling Stones. Good song: I'd listen to it again had I not heard it approximately 50,000 times already.

KCKK-FM/104.3 (9 seconds):
A commercial for car financing. Which I may need if I don't stop staring at this damn radio.

KXKL-FM/105.1 (21 seconds):
When a caller wins a ticket to the Country Dinner Playhouse to see Some Enchanted Evening, a DJ belts out the title song. I don't stay around long enough to find out if someone belted him for doing it.

KALC-FM/105.9 (16 seconds):
"Under Pressure," by David Bowie and Queen. I can relate.

KBPI-FM/106.7 (23 seconds):
An Offspring song--which I guess qualifies as an anomaly now that 'BPI's format has been switched to "all Ozzy, all the time."

KQKS-FM/107.5 FM (20 seconds):
A not-quite-side-splitting tale about a red-pepper spray that is supposed to repel bears but actually attracts them. I'm so captivated that I quickly switch back to AM, where...

KLZ-AM/560 (12 seconds):
...a whining male vocalist sings a love ballad to Jesus Christ. How romantic.

KIIX-AM/600 (20 seconds):
There's a song playing in the background, but it's mainly hidden by static. I like the result better than "Theme From A Summer Place."

KHOW-AM/630 (18 seconds):
Peter Boyles reveals that the more money Saddam Hussein makes selling oil, the more money he has for weapons. At least he's not talking about Romer.

KNUS-AM/710 (49 seconds):
Claudia Lamb still is, however: She claims that she was "openly laughed at" by a handful of media people after stating that "adultery is wrong." Betcha that's not the only reason they were laughing.

KTLK-AM/760 (32 seconds):
Thanks to a lane change, I'm forced to listen to a guy reading random stock prices for over half a minute. Heavy traffic can sometimes have dire consequences.

KLT-AM/800 (10 seconds):
Another treacly love song to Jesus. Some guys have all the luck.

KOA-AM/850 (22 seconds):
Mark Stout on sports. When Stout plays an audio clip of Denver Nuggets coach Bill Hanzlik saying that his team had played hard and well in the midst of being hammered by the New York Knicks the previous night, I let my finger do the walking.

KPOF-AM/910 (13 seconds):
A proselytizer describes Jesus as "the ideal man." I'm starting to get the idea.

KKFN-AM/950 (15 seconds):
The Fabulous Sports Babe is talking about all the NBA teams that want the services of Antonio McDyess, who used to play for--eeesh--the Nuggets. My finger is ready for another stroll.

KRKS-AM/990 (25 seconds):
Another tribute to Jesus in ballad form. Is it possible that there's really only one contemporary-Christian song, and all the artists share it?

KLMO-AM/1060 (37 seconds):
It's gotten to the point where even a Reba McEntire song seems tolerable. At its conclusion, a female host pipes up; she sounds like she's sitting on a helium canister with its valve wide open. Goodbye.

KMXA-AM/1090 (30 seconds):
A jaunty Tex-Mex song kicks the crap out of the grim Reba. Only my sense of mission keeps me moving.

KCUV-AM/1150 (15 seconds):
An embarrassing Latin ballad kicks the crap out of nothing. Only my sense of mission keeps me listening for as long as I do.

KBNO-AM/1220 (8 seconds):
More Spanish happy talk, accompanied by tons o' guffawing. Talk about feeling left out.

KRRF-AM/1280 (10 seconds):
An ad for a correspondence school. Financing is available to qualified applicants.

KKYD-AM/1340 (10 seconds):
For all I know, this could be the same song that was playing the last time I surfed past this station. And it hasn't improved with age.

KJME-AM/1390 (8 seconds):
Now there's a Spanish-language DJ singing on this station. Must be a trend.

KEZW-AM/1430 (4 seconds):
A commercial about something inspired by "Alice in Wonderland." The use of hallucinogens, perhaps?

KBVI-AM/1490 (17 seconds):
A forestry assistant for the City of Boulder asks locals not to rip out trees in city parks by the roots. If my hands were free, I'd rip out my hair by the roots.

KDKO-AM/1510 (24 seconds):
A pretty decent Stevie Wonder imitation from, I'd guess, the Seventies. Sounds good--but duty prevails.

KQXI-AM/1550 (8 seconds):
I find a station that I couldn't capture earlier. When I hear a minister say, "Thank God we have a covenant of grace. Can everybody say that?" it makes me wish I hadn't been able to capture it this time, either.

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