No Escape

THE GRAND FINALE: THE STRAITJACKET!
"This is absolutely one of the most difficult and physically demanding of all escapes. And this is one of the best straitjackets you'll see. It's heavier and has straps and buckles most don't have. It would put any magician to the test.

"Strap me around in back. Yes. Now pull these between my legs and buckle them. Good.

"No. We don't need the sheet. I'll just do it right here.
"Now go ahead and make sure the straps are tight. Okay. Ready?
"Arggh!
"Ummmm!
(Lamont staggers, thrashes, drops to the floor.)
"Arggh!
(He rolls back and forth.)
"I can't believe this!
"Arggh!
"Ummm!
(He thrashes wildly, legs flailing.)
"Ummm.
"Man!
"I can't seem to get this strap. I'm usually halfway out by now."
"Argggh!

"I don't believe this. I'm dripping in sweat. I don't know if I can continue.

"Umm.
"I don't believe this! I've done this hanging from cranes!
"ARRGGHH!

"No. I'm fine. Contrary to popular belief, Houdini did not do lightning-fast escapes. It often took him quite some time to extricate himself. But they were real. All real."

"Ummm.
"Ahhh!
"I'm going to be too exhausted to continue. A buckle in back seems to be caught on something.

"Ummm.
"Arrrgh.
"Can't give up...
"Oh, my God!"
"I don't believe this! This would have to happen in front of a reporter.
"ARRGHHH!!!
(Lamont peels off the jacket, springs to his feet, collapses on the couch.)

"I can't believe it! That was the longest straitjacket escape I've ever had. I didn't think I was going to make it."

(Pant, pant.)
(Gulp.)
"But you never give up. Not in this business. Never give up.
"Ever.