Nuts!

Item:Squirrel breaks into the car of Republican lawmaker Mary Ellen Epps at the State Capitol in 1995 and snips the wiring. Twice. Epps trades parking spaces with a state trooper as a security measure. The squirrel strikes a third time, this time attacking the trooper's car.

Confrontation (Part Three):"Guess what?"

James Bludworth

Our fine furry friends: Jack Murphy rescues urban wildlife.

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More About

• Karen Taylor
• Jack Murphy
• Cameron Lewis
• Mary Ellen Epps
• Mark Dotson

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"What?"

"I was going to take the baby to the store today, and we walked under the tree in the front yard and saw the squirrel."

"You mean, The Squirrel?"

"Yeah. He was out on the tree limb, and he didn't move. He just stood there looking at us and flicking his tail."

"What did you do?"

"I tried to scare him, but he didn't move. He just flicked his tail."

"So then what did you do?"

"I got in the car and went to the store."

"Good thinking."

Item: Rogue squirrel returns to Capitol in 1998, breaks into the car of Republican state senator Gigi Dennis and snips her wiring. Precautions are taken, but squirrel remains at large.

Final Confrontation (Imagined):"Hey honey. Look."

"What?"

"There's the squirrel again."

"Where?"

"On the fence. Eyeing the screen."

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. But if he crosses the property line, he's toast."

"What do you mean?"

"Make My Day law."

"What?"

"I read somewhere you're supposed to aim in front of their noses a few inches."

"What?"

"Either that or use peanut butter."

"Peanut butter?"

"Yeah. But that might not work with this squirrel."

"Why not?"

"The millennium's coming, and he's Y2K- compliant."

"So what are we going to do?"

"I don't know, but go get the baby. I want her to see this."

"What?"

"The pork chop."