Dire predictions for music in the Y2K.

  • MTV execs are horrified to discover that irrevocably scrambled digital encoding of old Real World tapes will force the network to actually revert to playing music videos until a new season of shows can be taped. Panicked, they persuade a group of thoroughly attractive but psychologically mismatched twentysomethings to pretend to live out an entire year together in a house -- in the course of one week. As a result, when the broadcast finally begins airing, the relationships between the housemates seem forced and superficial, and no one really seems to give a shit about one another. Ratings soar.

  • Rolling Stone editor and publisher Jann S. Wenner scouts the globe for unpublished photos of Kurt Cobain after discovering that his twenty Zip disks containing pictures of the deceased songwriter aren't compatible with his new-edition Hewlett-Packard PC. Foiled in his mission by his own publication, which has already published the bulk of the world's collection of post-fetal photos of Cobain, Wenner commissions the scientists responsible for cloning Dolly the Sheep to work their magic with a remnant of Cobain's DNA Wenner fetched at a Christie's auction. After a successful mission, the young Kurty spends the first 24 years of his life in complete solitude in Wenner's impressive Manhattan loft so that the editor might capture that lonely, tortured artist look for all of the cover shots he spent two decades planning. Unfortunately, in 2024, no one remembers what a guitar -- much less Nirvana -- was.

  • And finally, it becomes abundantly clear that a loving public has accepted the suggestion of Will Smith's new album when, from Times Square, at 12:01 a.m., Tom Brokaw officially declares 2000-2999 "Willennium."
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