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Thank God for Bob!

Bob Enyart is pro-life, pro-death (penalty) and anti-gay, and now he wants to take over the country.

So as the squad car moves closer, Bob and company don't panic. Nellis eases his vehicle to the road's shoulder, as does John Geiser, behind the wheel of the truck up ahead. The patrolman stops his car, too, and after chatting with John for a moment, he ambles to the sedan. He's big and beefy, with a name tag that identifies him as L.E. Novak.

Nellis rolls down his window. "Good morning, officer," he says.

"Good morning," answers L.E. Novak. "You're headed to the courthouse?"

Right-hand man: Doug McBurney, Enyart's business manager and fellow Internet revolutionary.
Sean Hartgrove
Right-hand man: Doug McBurney, Enyart's business manager and fellow Internet revolutionary.
Judgment day: McBurney in robe, Eric Nellis as Aaron McKinney, and a club-wielding Enyart in Laramie.
Judgment day: McBurney in robe, Eric Nellis as Aaron McKinney, and a club-wielding Enyart in Laramie.

Details

Previous Westword articles

"The Gay Nineties,"
Novemver 25, 1999
Since Amendment 2 passed seven years ago, Colorado Springs has learned a lesson in Family Values.
By C.J. Janovy

"Fact or Friction,"
October 1, 1998
The ex-gay movement has its straight man -- but ex-ex-gays may have the last laugh.
By Ward Harkavy

"Slay It With a Smile,"
October 3, 1996
Paul Cameron's mission to stop homosexuality is hard to swallow.
By Ward Harkavy

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Before Nellis can reply, Enyart pipes up. "Yes, we are."

L.E. Novak gives him a nod. "I'll lead you into where you're supposed to be."

With that, Enyart smiles. An escort from a representative of the very system he hopes to eventually wipe off the face of the earth. It's another good day to be Bob.


"For updated information on Bob's national tour and ShadowGov demonstrations, press one. For Bob's Shadow Government mailing address, press two. And if you're an anarchist, an evolutionist, a humanist, a communist, a socialist, a garden-variety sodomite, a democrat or a transgendered freak of nature, press three."

-- The answering-machine message at ShadowGov.com

That's one of the unexpected things about Bob Enyart: Much of his intolerance (as his know-nothing enemies would term it) is delivered with a wink. Remember, this is the lovin' Christian supplicant who on his now-defunct TV program, Bob Enyart Live,used to gleefully read obituaries of AIDS sufferers while cranking "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen, a combo whose lead singer, Freddie Mercury, succumbed to the same malady. ("Listen to the words of that song, and you'll understand why I did it," says Enyart, as if his motives are somehow puzzling.)

And in July, after Arapahoe County Sheriff Pat Sullivan dropped a charge against a woman who'd been ticketed for driving through a group of ShadowGov protesters picketing an abortion doctor's home and allegedly endangering their lives, Enyart kept his cool, even though he believes in his heart of hearts that the rights of Christians in general, and anti-abortion Christians in specific, are routinely trampled by an establishment deeply prejudiced against them. Instead, he bought an advertisement in which he facetiously apologized to Sullivan for protesting abortion in the first place, because "no one wants to hear about this anyway."

Not that such disinterest would ever shut Bob up: If he's got something to say, he's going to say it, whether the rest of the world likes it or not -- unless it suits his purposes to stay quiet, that is.

For that reason, he's cautious about spilling the beans on his constitution; as the big 2-0-0-0 dawns, he doesn't want to give curiosity-seekers any reason not to click on www.shadowgov.com or its affiliate sites, www.enyart.comand www.KGOV.com, where Enyart can be heard live over the Internet from 10 to 11 a.m. Mondays through Fridays. (Why rub elbows with heathens on New Year's Eve when you can spend the night with Bob?) But he doesn't mind sharing a few spicy details.

First, he notes that "in Article One of our existing Constitution, it says that blacks and Indians are three-fifths of a person, but we don't do that; in ours, all human beings are equally valued -- so right off the bat we think we start on a better foot." (See? He's funny!) He also allows that his shadow government won't be a democracy, because "democracy has been called by some of our founding fathers and in some early documents, the worst form of government. It's" -- deep breath -- "mob rule."

So what's your alternative, Bob?

"A monarchy."

A bloodline monarchy?

"A hereditary monarchy, right. Like they have today in, say, Norway, I think."

And how would the first monarch be chosen?

"A lottery."

A lottery? You mean a random drawing?

"That's right. Ask anybody on the street if the busboy at the nearest restaurant or Bill Clinton would be more qualified to govern, and the fools would say Bill Clinton. Obviously, a busboy would be more qualified. And then, when he passes, his oldest son would take over the throne."

Chew the logic of this scheme over, and it doesn't exactly snap into place. Maybe Bill Clinton is no prize, but what if the bloke who winds up winning the monarchy lotto is a serial killer, or a child molester, or someone who's just plain dumb as a road apple? That's a possibility, Bob admits. Non-citizens will be excluded, and so will women, because, he says, "It's natural that men lead the household -- and on the dance floor. Men are specially qualified to lead, and a household where the woman leads is a very unhappy household." Hence, Madeleine Albright might be spending her time tidying up the kitchen while Timothy McVeigh whips the nation into shape. But don't worry about that possibility. It'll all work out for the best in Bob Enyart's perfect universe, especially since God's criminal-justice system will be in place to take care of any problems.

Yep, Enyart argues, the Bible contains a law-enforcement template passed down from the time of Moses; it's referred to as the Mosaic criminal code. In contrast to our complex web of rules and regulations, the Mosaic way is simplicity itself. There are only three prescribed forms of penalization -- restitution, corporal punishment and execution -- and the appeals process is available only to judges, not criminals. On top of that, the guilty-beyond-a-reasonable-doubt method goes out the window ("It's like trying to prove a negative," Bob says) in favor of "reasonable evidence, meaning two or three pieces of reasonable evidence to convict." And who would determine what's "reasonable"?

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