At least after Alex Hunter announced there would be no indictments, that multitude of media types finally left Boulder -- but Colorado just couldn't stop embarrassing itself. Everyone on earth had to hear about Jefferson County's preferred method of apprehending bad ten-year-olds: yank out of bed, snap handcuffs around wrists. Yeah, yeah, we all know there was much more to the story of Raoul Wuthrich -- that he wasn't just a young Swiss outdoor-urination expert -- but couldn't the whole situation have been handled in a more dignified manner? One that didn't make Colorado law-enforcement officials look so insane?
Obviously, that's expecting much, much too much. Especially since they still have so many lessons to learn. Memo to Jefferson County sheriff John Stone: What were you thinking, boy? That Time magazine really wasn't going to write anything about the most sensational piece of evidence to come out of the year's biggest story? Did you really have such hubris as to think that you, yourself, were powerful enough to keep Harris and Klebold from becoming the cult figures they hoped to be?
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Then again, I guess such hubris characterized many, many Coloradans this year. What was it that Columbine's Andy Lowry said when they named him high school football coach of the year? "We have been knocking on the door the past few years." I doubt he even knew he was comparing himself to all of those pictures of my son knocking at the door to people's hearts.
But such is the unconscious nature of human arrogance, the misguided nature of human priorities, the inability of humans to learn their lessons. Otherwise, they never would have made such a big deal of the fact that Columbine won the state football championship. Even the Cherry Creek players -- they'd won five state championships over the last decade -- knew the stakes. "If we lose," said one player, "Columbine has the David-against-Goliath story." No, son, only I have the David-against-Goliath story. The newspapers misguidedly turned it into the feel-good story of the fall -- so maybe it was no coincidence when those idiotic intentions were trumped two weeks later by Time magazine. It just about made me sick, watching over that December 8 pep rally in the school gym -- the band playing, the cheerleaders prancing around, everyone cheering so wildly over a damned trophy. "This team never quit," said principal Frank DeAngelis. "It's about not giving up, and that's what Columbine High School represents." Yes, Mr. D, a football victory symbolized everything the school stands for -- proving, once and for all, that jocks really do rule at Columbine.
(Heavy sigh.) No, it hasn't been the greatest of years for Colorado. I'd level the whole town of Denver, but I'd hate to hurt any innocent bystanders -- though I doubt there are any. Hmm.
I know! Gabriel, bring me those 51 homeless people who died in Denver this year. I'm sure they'll be able to tell me how to exact my final judgment.
