Bite Me

He misses his kitchen, he says as we walk to the car. Not the cooking, necessarily, but the camaraderie after the cooking is done. He misses New York. "But you know," he adds, "no matter where I go, that scene is always the same." He jerks a thumb back over his shoulder, pointing not to a location, but to five minutes ago. "Every kitchen, every night, it ends the same way. In New York, California, Russia, Cambodia. It's always just a bunch of guys standing around in an alley or a parking lot somewhere, smoking dope, bullshitting with each other. Everywhere. It's always the same."

Leftovers:Bite Me World HQ recently received the following plea: "Help us secure the safe return of one of our beloved mascots!!!! The Goat of Death has been STOLEN from Two-Fisted Mario's...The goat was last seen at his perch on the counter next to the register on Friday, October 11th. A curse of a thousand bad sexual experiences has been cast upon the thief... Spare yourself the horrors of the curse and return the goat to his rightful Two-Fisted home! There is a reward for the safe return of our beloved Dark Lord!!!! NO questions asked!!!! We just want him back so that we may all sleep again...Give us back our GOAT!!!!!"

Wow. Five exclamation points: This must really be serious. Contacted for details, unnamed sources at the pizza joint at 1626 Market Street described the goat as small, plastic and goatish, obviously evil, and wearing a black mask and a black cape with a skull. Any ransom demands or information on the Goat's whereabouts would be greatly appreciated by the crew at Mario's.