Ivy Solutions

Theoretical ways to curb those extracurricular, post-game colloquies.

"A weekend of frightening scenes at college football games is forcing university presidents and the NCAA to try to find ways to stop violence on college campuses."
-- December 6, 2002, Associated Press

"New tactics are being tried this year in hopes of preventing University of Colorado students from rioting after the Buffaloes take on Oklahoma in the Big 12 championship football game Saturday in Houston...Free food and sodas will be provided at [four] parties around campus."
-- December 5, 2002, Rocky Mountain News

MEMO
TO: All Interested Parties
FROM: Office of the President

As you know, we here at CU have been concerned with so-called student rioting for a number of years now. I think we all realize that, while our students may have had legitimate, empowering reasons for violent, property-damaging protests in the past (the crackdown on underage drinking a few years back was quite abrupt, and it is exhilarating to emerge victorious in important gridiron contests), most of us can agree that, as a long-term policy, vandalism serves little official purpose.

I want to thank each of you who has responded so far to our request for ideas to put a halt to these unfortunate media events. As always, all ideas will be taken into account when we formulate our official response to the issue, perhaps sometime next year or in 2004. Following are summations of the suggestions we have received. In the meantime, keep the great concepts coming! Once again, I am reminded that here at CU, we really do have "minds to match our mountains" (registered trademark).

1. Our thanks to the Phi Delta Theta and Kappa Sigma fraternities, as well as the Kappa Alpha Theta sorority, for their joint offer to host an off-campus "adult-beverage" get-together for anyone who wants to come and "party" instead of busting up the downtown area following a football game. I think I speak for the entire administration when I say that we'd certainly be willing to revisit any past suspensions of these community-minded "brotherhoods and sisterhoods."

2. A big "Well done!" to the medical school staff for taking time out of their busy schedules to help us tackle the problem. I'm sure their helpful offer to dismiss the school's next chairman (as soon as he or she is named) in exchange for a peaceful evening will prove inspirational to any hooligan thinking of flipping over a van. I know I might reconsider if I knew that the respected head of a department could just vanish without explanation!

3. The med school has been working overtime! Thanks to them, too, for the staff's gutsy and thoughtful recommendation to get a handle on out-of-control students by entering the entire freshman and sophomore classes in unsupervised clinical trials. (That ought to get everyone's attention!) I'm sure the FDA has more important issues to attend to than watching over a big university that often ranks in the top 100, so let's everyone keep this one under our hats.

4. What with his tireless efforts to keep recruits from leaving his team, I can't tell you how thrilled we are to have heard from men's basketball coach Ricardo Patton! We certainly will take his no doubt heartfelt suggestion for an official, attendance-mandatory center-court prayer session for the vandals' damned souls into serious consideration. Keep doing the Lord's work Ricardo, and God bless! Here's hoping the coach doesn't take it personally if no one pays attention to him. (Kidding, Ricardo! We'll be there.)

5. An unexpected and creative proposal from CU Regent Jim Martin! It never occurred to us to permit every student to claim any old major on his or her resumé no matter what courses he or she has taken! That ought to make any potential arsonist think twice about striking a match. Thanks to Mr. Martin again for his additional advice to permit potential vandals to customize their class rankings in exchange for putting down that rock. The prospect of being "tops" in one's class despite one's actual grades ought to deter many otherwise lawless thugs. Career services, are you listening to our customers?

6.A hearty "nice job" to various maintenance and housekeeping staff for their idea to provide peepholes into women's shower stalls for any angry young man thinking of heaving a beer bottle at Boulder's finest instead of recycling it. This "touch-free" diversion should provide a powerful incentive to any healthy letterman to behave in a lawful manner. (Interested women should apply to administration for food vouchers to compensate them for their help in keeping order on campus. A big shoulder-squeeze of gratitude to them for doing their part to be "CU's citizen peace officers.")

7. An interesting and unexpected proposal from the Princeton Review. Certainly a "study-free semester" for the entire student body to relieve stress is an approach we hadn't thought of. But we're nothing if not open-minded. After all, "here at CU, it's whatever works!" (trademark pending).

8. Another unique recommendation from the hardest-working medical school in the entire state! Thanks to all the anatomy students who wrote in offering to dissect an extra live pet "if it will save just one car windshield." We're all for it, too, if it will keep order. Keep cutting, guys!

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