Ivy Solutions

Theoretical ways to curb those extracurricular, post-game colloquies.

9. Here in the president's office, we don't like to "toot our own horn." But I would be remiss if I didn't mention a very qualified acquaintance of mine who may or may not be able to assist me in finding a workable solution for peaceably assembled drunk students transforming themselves into a violent mob intent on committing misdemeanors. I'm willing to budget $140,000 for this professional hire. Did I mention that she is very qualified?

10. It sure was nice to hear from Gary Barnett. We feel the football coach is "right on" in his neat idea of offering scholarships to qualified young pre-vandals in exchange for a mediocre but conviction-free performance while they attend CU. Coach B is not offering to release any of his personal $8 million compensation package for this great law-abiding incentive, but why should he?! Division runners-up and the extremely exciting Alamo Bowl speak for themselves. Go, Buffs!

11. Wow! That's what we say to the entire Athletic Department for its daring plan to throw a big off-campus bash in the hopes of convincing guys who might be planning to break a window in a retail establishment to study instead. Our best minds at Legal will have to examine the finer points of the school providing "only-slightly-less-than-legal-age" girls willing to escort anyone thinking of signing a letter of commitment to keep the peace. (Everyone also agrees it would be nice if the gals came without their own legal representation.) But these are minor points! And thanks to the entire Buffs freshmen football recruits for offering to undertake this big challenge. We're sure you can do it!

12. Kudos to the entire Board of Regents for keeping an eye on the "big picture." I say why not build brand-new campuses to the south, north, and east of the city, as well as a new athletic field across the Mall if new facilities could turn a few "bad seeds" into better students? (Note: I also concur with Legal that city officials do not need to be consulted on this. County records show we own the property.)

13. Finally, we again are grateful to Coach Barnett and all the ready-to-help Buffs for their straightforward offer to simply "lose all the big games that really matter." That certainly ought to take the wind out of any potential rioter's sails. We all know how hard it is to contribute meaningfully to a mob when you're really sad.

So, thanks once more to everyone who took time out of their busy schedules to submit ideas. It's important that the public knows we are working hard and doing all we can to keep Boulder "Riot-Free in '03" (trademark rejected). Perhaps some of our regularly published scholars in Sociology can someday help us understand where kids these days get the idea that it's okay to behave so badly.

Keep thinking deep thoughts!

Yours truly,
Elizabeth "Liz" Hoffman
President

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