By Alan Prendergast
By Michael Roberts
By Michael Roberts
By Amber Taufen
By Patricia Calhoun
By William Breathes
By Michael Roberts
By Melanie Asmar
Our local TV role models include one female newscaster who aspires to imitate Captain Spock, another who seems to have a hairy shelf growing out of her forehead, several male anchors whose suit-color spectrum ranges all the way from dirt gray to dirt brown, and a self-promoting furniture mogul who dresses straight out of Love, American Style. Meanwhile, the average Denver citizen tries to squeeze his or her excess flab into rock-climbing or mountain-biking duds that fool absolutely no one, or tries to be a veritable sandwich board for our local sports teams. (News flash to Denver sports nuts: Purple, orange and maroon are not colors that go together particularly well.) Now that the warm weather's here, we can all look forward to the Official Colorado Summer Uniform of baggy T-shirt and baggy shorts, trying, without success, to camouflage the wearer's equally baggy gut and butt.
Just so no one thinks I'm snooty, I am a typical Denverite at heart and in style, and as such am guilty of most if not all of the above fashion faux pas. (If I had more hair up top, I'd probably violate all of them at one time or another.)
On the other hand, I will never, ever wear a thong. At least not with white shoes.
GMan, go home:So it was recently discovered by a Broward County resident -- who's thinking of moving here, no less -- that the people of Denver lack fashion sense. Yeah? So what? He also goes on to say he felt taken advantage of as a visitor here by paying what he thought were exorbitant parking rates. Again -- yeah, so what? Let me explain something to you: We wouldn't have exorbitant parking rates if this city hadn't filled up with mindless yuppies over the last decade, not only driving up parking rates, but falsely inflating real-estate values, creating massive gridlock on all the city highways, creating long lines no matter where you go or what time you go, behaving in a manner more rude than this city has ever experienced, and consistently disregarding longstanding city and state laws, filling up our jails to capacity.
You get the point. Lack of fashion sense is the least of our worries, bud. I do get incensed, however, when someone who has not yet even moved here starts pointing out our flaws, comparing our city to "theirs" in a fit of reverse penis envy. I get hot under the collar when a newly arrived immigrant starts bitching that "Denver doesn't have this...or this...or this," then starts on a campaign to redesign the city in the shape of NewYorkLosAngelesDallasChicagoAtlanta.
If you are moving here because you truly have a feel for this special place, you love the mountains, you love spending time outdoors and you think you can, in some small way, help to uplift your adopted space, by all means.... If you are moving here because this is "where the money is," or because your sister has a good job out here, or you're hiding a criminal past and you want to reinvent yourself, unfortunately you'll fit right in. But I personally have a few words of advice: Stay home. You'll be a lot happier -- and so will we!
Editor's note: Not all Floridians are as immune to Denver's charms as GMan. For another view -- as well as more fashion talk -- see Off Limits.
Waiting for lefties:JM Schell tosses and turns in a fevered sweat every night over the "blatant left-liberal" press (Letters, May 29). Yes, the press is left, but only left of Attila the Hun. Apparently JM Schell is to the rightof Attila the Hun. I'm sure that Adolf Hitler would have been too far left for the likes of Schell, being that der Führer ran on the Socialist ticket. See how rampant those left-liberals are? They're everywhere.
Let's call a spade a spade and admit that nutjobs like Schell are not just funny, they're actually dangerous. I'm glad Westword has a forum to remind us of that.
Out in right field: JM Schell's paranoid-schizophrenic ranting and raving was typical of his right-wing keepers in Washington. No, it wasn't enough to reduce humanity to shades of black and white (good and evil). No, his beloved right-wing freak show has now traveled full circle to bore us all with more hallow accusations that the media is a left-wing conspiracy!
The tired old arguments of "liberal media" are not just whiny; they're also moot in these days of the FCC pandering to the likes of Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch's propaganda-filled television station, Fox News, has taken the concept of government-controlled media out of the realm of dictatorships and has shown that even in a capitalist democracy, the government can maintain media control through favorable regulation policies.
Thankfully, I'm of sound enough mind to realize that despite Fox's terrible assault on the integrity of the media, there are still other choices out there (for now?). So, JM: Watch Fox, eat your freedom fries, and shut the hell up!