By Alan Scherstuhl
By Michael Atkinson
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By Stephanie Zacharek
By Abby Garnett
By Amy Nicholson
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Of course, a whiff of cynicism wafts in with the opening credits, wherein we establish the standard Middle American milieu. This time, Boringville, U.S.A. is a Chicago suburb and our tousled blond hero, Eric (Mike Vogel, a dead ringer for Mark Hamill in Corvette Summer who would have been a much better young Anakin Skywalker) is The Skater Who Must Turn Pro. His convincing stunt double successfully executes sidewalk moves (and "grinds") that land your garden-variety skate rats upside down in the gutter, so there's no doubt that he's meritorious. The movie itself remains dubious for a few minutes as we sift through memories of Thrashin' and Gleaming the Cube, wondering if we've landed in a big studio's unspoken nightmare division called Repackaging of Surplus Hipness. To its credit, Grind is bigger and messier than that.
Settling in, we observe Eric struggling to be taken seriously at the local pro shop, called Wasted Youth, tearing down a banner at school that reads "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?" and toiling at a ghastly fast-food joint bearing the unlikely name of Chili N Such. Indeed, the pressure is on for Eric, as it is for fledgling director Casey La Scala (an exec producer on Donnie Darko), who crudely employs even more text on the screen to introduce Eric's zany buds. In short, Matt (Vince Vieluf) is a hyperactive freak show who can't stop excreting, Dustin (Adam Brody) is a prissy nebbish named Dustin, and Sweet Lou (Joey Kern) is an irresistible babe magnet à la Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused. Eric's goal is to unite his "friends by default, not by choice" into a team so they can chase a pro skater around the country in the hopes of getting sponsored and going pro themselves.
If you stop and think about it, Eric's plan sucks so much that not even total idiots would join him. However, dewy screenwriter (and sometime composer) Ralph Sall litters his script with so many references to popular confused-youth semi-classics that attentive minds will be lured away from logic by a game of Spot the Affectionate Thievery. You name it -- Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Bad News Bears series, even a Twisted Sister video -- it's all whipped into the mix. It's almost impossible to pick on Eric's foolhardy vision quest, because you're too busy wondering when Jackie Earle Haley will be sauntering through.
Before long, the movie bursts with road-trip hijinks, as the buds hit the highway in Sweet Lou's funkified sex van, chasing skate shows across the country and caterwauling along with the odd Poison song in the ancient ride's truly unlikely CD player. The boys betray a distinct affection for '80s tunes -- the members of Spandau Ballet will be very surprised to be receiving a check (for the actual "True," even, not the stupid rap ripoff) -- and soon encounter Antagonists. Foremost are some unbearable "wiggers" -- you know, spoiled, lazy white boys who behave and dress like they're both retarded and lobotomized -- whose every move on their boards and in their goddamned Cadillac Escalade is a direct attack on our hapless heroes.
But there are also subtler foes, as when Eric and the boys infiltrate a "classy" dance party and encounter the horror of today's ravers. It must be noted that this movie perfectly nails that glazed, dumb-fuck look that club kids practice as their stock-in-trade. Our four modest Midwestern boys try to shake things up with a forehead-slapper of a dance to Young MC's "Bust a Move," but the best moment comes when nerdy Dustin tries to bust a move on a glazed chick. "Let me just get you another glass of bitch," he politely suggests.
Even though the movie's general characters and conflicts could be dropped functionally into almost any setting, Grind does evince a true love for skating. Both the street action and the actual competitions are brilliantly performed and slickly lensed, from Illinois across Colorado and Arizona to an impressive finale in Santa Monica, with the likes of Tom Green and some regulars from Jackass checking in for mediocre yuks.
Note: If you're hoping for any shred of sophistication, forget it. Director La Scala has blathered that his lead skater girl, Jamie (Jennifer Morrison), is "empowered" or something, but she's just another boy here. Per adolescent expectations -- which are not inappropriate for the material -- all young women here are strutting T&A displays, mostly wearing jeans with the waistline cut to mere millimeters above their urethras and anuses, respectively. (The kids of 2023 are gonna laugh at this! -- and then, of course, Warner Bros. can capitalize on the revival.) And speaking of anuses, the character Matt spends the entire movie either releasing ghastly things out of his or commenting thereupon. With a friend like this, who needs enemas? (Thank you; tip your waitress.) Eric's unhappiness feels very convincing.
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