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National Features >
City Pages
Michele Bachmann, Unmuzzled
You don't need to read Sarah Palin's book to hear the ravings of a mad woman.
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Miami New Times
Pimp Daddy
The rise and fall of a chubby sex-cult leader.
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Tom was a hot-tempered cross-dresser with a garage full of guns--and then he became Rachel.
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Nickelback
The Long Road (Roadrunner)
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By Michael Roberts
Published on December 04, 2003
Sometimes I wish I were a twelve-year-old girl. I wish I wore flirty fashions my parents hated without realizing how stupid I looked in them. I wish the mere sight of Shia LeBeouf caused my heart to race. I wish Madison Avenue loved me the way it loves every other tween with access to Mom's credit cards. And I wish I could get genuinely excited about Nickelback. I wish I were hearing the band's time-tested chording for the first time, so that it would seem thrilling and vibrant instead of hackneyed and tedious. I wish lines like "Why must life be so tough?" (from "Should've Listened") seemed super-profound instead of obvious and whiny; and I wish the power ballad "Someday" made my eyes mist over because of its unbelievable beauty and not because of its towering boredom. But even a sex-change operation can't make these wishes come true, because my brain would still know better. Twelve-year-old girls have all the luck.
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