By Bree Davies
By Emerald O'Brien
By Gina Tron
By Jon Solomon
By Drew Ailes
By Courtney Harrell
By Kyra Scrimgeour
Go home and hump, already.
It's become painfully obvious that many of you have never been given a primer on the rules of rock. That's the only way I can explain the moronic shit that I've witnessed these past six months. And now, as we approach the biggest alcoholiday of the year, it's time to lay down the law for the uninitiated.
1. Do not stand in front of the stage and grope one another. If you're really that hot and bothered, go home and get your groove on. Or go to the car or to the no-tell. But just get the fuck out of the way so that the rest of us can enjoy the show, you dolts. Oh, yeah, and one other thing: If you are going to bang like bunnies in your ride, don't get pissed if people stare and laugh at your dumb ass as they leave the venue. It didn't seem to bother you before that people were watching.
2. Chatty Cathy, clip your string. If you want to talk, don't let us interrupt you; go over by the bar or take it outside. There's nothing worse than standing next to a bunch of blowhards.
3. Know what you're getting into before you go out. If one of your friends invites you to see a band with a name like Rancid Dismembered Corpse, here's a clue: It's not lite rock. And there's a good chance you may get smashed in the face if you're too close to the mosh pit. Whining about "all those people running into you" is like jumping in front of a speeding car and complaining about getting hit.
4. While I'm on the subject, moshing is retarded if you're over 21. Unless you're a sadist or you've earned your stripes in a Slayer pit, once you're old enough to drink, it's just plain stupid to dance in circles, colliding like bumper cars with other idiots. You're even more of a meathead if you're moshing at a Matchbox Twenty concert.
5. Finally, quit yelling out obscure song names during the set. Dude, we know you like the band. FYI: They don't give out medals to the most enthusiastic fans at the end of the night.
Feel free to implement these new conventions this Saturday, December 27, at the Colorado Underground Music Awards at the Bluebird Theater, with performances by Blister 66, Vox Demonna, Brutal Infliction, Emergence and Deviant. Or on Wednesday, December 31, at the Ogden Theatre, at Rogue's New Year's Eve bash, featuring Ion, Esovae, October Episode, Synthetic Delusion and Control Element. Or that same night at Revoluciones Collective Art Space, with Black Black Ocean, Mixtech, dBom, King4Bid, Con, Scarlet Tied and Perfection Is a Myth. Or at the Blue Mule with Rexway, Rubber Planet, King Rat and Switchback 7. Or, finally, at Herman's Hideaway's New Year's Eve gathering with Brethren Fast, Paul Galaxy & the Galactix and 18 Wheeler.