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CU's March to Glory
February 12, 2004

1. As the heat increases at CU for the school's allegedly rape-inducing 2001 recruiting session, Big Buff Gary Barnett denied wrongdoing on The Fan radio show with all but which of these?

A. "Fire me, fire everybody, if we've done any of this stuff."

B. "We do not break rules at the University of Colorado...anytime, anywhere, under any circumstances."

C. "Isn't this America? Innocent until proven guilty?"

D. "We run a very clean program."

2. Barnett isn't alone in grappling with the mess. CU prexy Betsy Hoffman has contacted experts for advice. Who isn't on her list?

A. NCAA president Myles Brand.

B. National and state victim advocates.

C. Former U.S. Senate majority leader George Mitchell, D-Maine.

D. Dr. Phil.

3. Of course, former CU top grid-dog-turned-guard-dog Bill McCartney has a solution. He proposes:

A. Staging a Promise Keepers rally on the Boulder campus for all former CU thugs, er, players.

B. Giving all leading figures in this drama -- including Barnett -- lie-detector tests.

C. Banning football.

D. Forming Christian prayer groups that could "channel" healing into various souls.

4. To rebut Boulder County District Attorney Mary Keenan's testimony that CU football ignored her demand to stop sex parties, Hoffman noted that the athletic department did this:

A. Gave recruits a handbook outlining the pitfalls of alcohol, date rape and other tough topics.

B. Offered recruits counseling with priests, rabbis, imams and Bill McCartney.

C. Required viewings of such Hollywood fare as Fatal Attraction.

D. Made those who accepted football scholarships sign a pledge not to drink or rape.

5. Cultural bonus: Former legislator Joyce Lawrence, one of the two women named to lead the CU recruiting probe, discovered this scandalous equation:A. "There seems to be a nexus between alcohol and sex."

B. "The rate of shots is equal to the velocity of ripping garments, squared."

C. "Morality occurs in an inverse portion to perversity."

D. "Whoever gets high must come down."

Answers:

1. C. Barnett didn't ask if this is America, maybe because he's afraid of the G-word.

2. D. No Dr. Phil, but can tough love be far behind?

3. B. Wire 'em up, says Bill.

4. A. The yellow handbook, which Barnett prominently waved at a news conference, will help fan away the odor.

5. A. After suggesting to Channel 4 that the women might have put themselves at risk by attending parties, Lawrence clarified her stance with this proactive thought.

 
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