Ready to Hurl

That brings us, inevitably, to the nagging curse of physics. Any new discussion of the Rockies' perennial pitching woes is like bringing up the Cabernet harvest with Mormons. You don't get very far before somebody storms out of the room. And this year, the numbers seem to spell doom, even before the first Rockies slider fails to break and the visiting Cardinals put their first ten-run inning on the scoreboard. Here you go: The nine unfortunates from whom the Rockies' five starters will be selected won a total of 38 games last year while losing 61. Not one of the nine had a winning record, and their collective earned run average was a bloated 5.77. Not even the most lunatic Rockies fan would expect any 2004 improvement in the pitching hell that is Coors Field. This just in: Even last year's shell-shocked starters went 55-65.

This will not gladden the hearts of manager Clint Hurdle and pitching coach Bob Apodaca, who has the toughest job in America this side of an asbestos salesman. But at least they come cheap -- the alleged pitchers, that is. The Rockies payroll this year will come in at about $67 million (barely one-third of the Yankees obscenity), but a likely opening-day rotation of lefties Shawn Estes and Joe Kennedy and right-handers Jason Jennings, Scott Elarton and Denny Stark -- the whole bunch of them together -- would earn just over $2 million.

Little matter that the batboys at Fenway Park get paid more than that. The $2 million Colorado will lavish on its entire rotation is about the same figure it will contribute to the salary of ex-Rockie Mike Hampton as he toils for the Atlanta Braves. It's seven million less than Denny Neagle will get for not pitching. You know, bad arm. The kind of arm Hannibal Lecter would love. Neagle will be back in 2005. Maybe. In the meantime, two other National League clubs have assembled the strongest starting pitching staffs in the game. Good morning, Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte. Y'all happy to be home in Houston? And how are things, Greg Maddux? You sly old fox. How much craft will you impart to those brilliant young guns at Wrigley Field?

Rockies fans can but shake their heads and pray for another big inning.

We would here raise the issue of Colorado's relief pitching, but it's getting close to mealtime now, and there's no use ruining your appetite. Suffice it to say that the Rockies have an unparalleled gift for giving games away in the late stages (especially on the road) and that management has always been as maladroit in choosing relievers as the Rockies' long, battered parade of sore-arms and wild things has proven to be out there on the mound. So the rest is silence.

Meanwhile, is there any cause for April hope on the high plains? Sure. Why not? No one's played a game yet. The newest Yankee, Alex Rodriguez, who will be paid just about $16,460 per inning this season, has not yet laced up his spikes. Bonds has hit no homer into McCovey Cove. No fan has snatched the Series from the Cubs, and Bostonians are not yet crying in their chowder. No Rockie has blown a save, and Larry Walker can still walk. So go ahead. Hope. Hold fast, true believers. Even as the unfaithful, grumbling over their Coors, start shopping for a team with a future.