Off Limits

A sorry collection

 Roses are red, violets are blue, if I'm really sorry later, can I rape you? The art of penning a good apology letter is certainly dying, if the note written by a University of Colorado football player to the woman who accused him of rape is any indication. As evidenced by the almost-three-year-old note released to the media last week, this student/athlete had never heard of the three KISS rules: Keep it simple, keep it short, keep it sincere.

Dear [athletic-department employee who told coach Gary Barnett that the Buff had raped her]:

I am writing you this letter because I am so sorry for what I have done to you. I am so sorry that I have caused you pain. I am very sad about any sorrow that my actions have caused you and I ask for your forgiveness. I know that I cannot say anything that could take your pain away, but I did not mean to hurt you. This has also hurt me, knowing that I have hurt you because I am not that type of person and this is not who I am or what I am about. I would have never thought, not in a million years, that I would hurt someone like this. I am so sorry that I have put you through this situation. I did not mean to do this to you and I am so sorry. I do not know how you feel, but I know it is not good and I am sorry that I have hurt you. I know it is hard to forgive me for what I have done to you, but I am so sorry and I ask for your forgiveness. I ask that you would please forgive me for what I have done.

The apologist: Joe Nacchio sends his regrets to 
The apologist: Joe Nacchio sends his regrets to Qwest.

P.S. I am so sorry!!!

Sorry as this effort was, though, it was apparently enough to convince the woman not to pursue the report she'd made to the Boulder Police Department. If only all sticky situations were cleaned up so easily!

Dear Iraq:

Whoops! We're really sorry about that invasion. Guess the smart bombs just got out of hand. We're so sorry. We're really a peace-loving nation! We have peacekeeping forces all over the world! It's not like us to take out entire infrastructures. We did not mean to hurt you. Would $60 billion help? (It probably won't happen again.)

The United States

Dear William and Dee Quigley:

It's not like us to cry "anti-Semitism" at every little opportunity. Well, maybe it is. But you folks sure went through "the wringer." Sorry about the libel and all! This was very un-mensch-like of us. A positive note: Saul has been promoted to assistant manager at the local Wal-Mart, so you should start receiving checks soon. Again, very sorry.

P.S. Can you ever forgive us?

The Anti-Defamation League

To Qwest shareholders:

Ooops. My bad. I dropped your stock price from over sixty bucks to just four dollars. I'm sorry -- really, really, really sorry. If I hadn't listened to Phil Anschutz, this never would have happened. It's not like my $27 million salary was to blame; try the clowns I inherited from US West. Still, I didn't mean to hurt you. That's not like me. I am so, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me? (Not that I care.)

Joe Nacchio

Dear Writers:

How can it be that my DaVinci Code has spent fifty weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, and my Angels and Demons now occupies a second slot? I am so sorry that my summer beach reads have deprived you more literary authors of your rightful place. Really, really I am. Sorry! But with Danielle Steele and John Grisham trying to nudge me out, you can hardly blame me: It's the reading public!

Dan Brown

To Fire Chief Larry Trujillo:

I know you were just trying to do your job, so I'm sorry I got in your face when I was working security at the Ogden the other night. That's really, really not who I am. But tensions are always high between us cops and you pole jockeys at the fire department, and with you guys getting a hero's welcome for taking a pay cut and us being demonized for demanding what's ours, well, it just all came out. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you in any way, and I'm sorry for any pain I caused. Please forgive me. I'm sure it will all get addressed when my friends down at the station "review" your formal complaint.

Hubert Vanover, Denver Police Department

Dear Roy:

I ask myself, "How do you apologize to a guy whose head you just bit a chunk out of?" I don't know what came over me! After all, I am a trained animal -- I like jumping through hoops. I'm REALLY, REALLY sorry!


The Tiger

The bare 'fax: Maybe Denver's slogan should be "If you brand it, they will come."

First Mayor John Hickenlooper hired Angela Baier away from the zoo to clear up any brand confusion and coordinate the city's marketing efforts, and now Denver planners are slicing and dicing Colfax Avenue between Broadway and Colorado Boulevard into sections with allegedly distinct identities. As if. The beauty of Colfax is that it defies definition.

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