By Jamie Swinnerton
By Mark Antonation
By Lori Midson
By Jonathan Shikes
By Amber Taufen
By Cafe Society
By Juliet Wittman
By Jonathan Shikes
I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it to go on vacation. I just got back from a storybook week at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun with my girlfriend. For a week we did nothing (much) more than sit on the beach or poolside, enjoying adult beverages and eating amazing food. I kept my vow not to imbibe a single beer -- good or otherwise -- the entire week. Every beverage that passed my lips was fluorescently colored and came in a glass (or, in one case, a coconut) with an umbrella or fruit for decoration.
For those of you going on a vacation with your significant other, I definitely recommend the all-inclusive route. Everythingis paid for. All you have to do is tip every once in a while (unless you're a complete lout), and the staff -- in our case, at Secrets Capri Riviera Cancun, which I'll mention in the hopes of getting a tax deduction -- will bring you drinks, make you fabulous dinners, deliver room-service poolside or to your room any time, and even turn you every couple of hours so you don't get bedsores when you become immobile from too many adult beverages and fabulous dinners.
Guys, with no more effort than rattling off your credit-card number to the travel agent, an all-inclusive resort will turn your beer-swilling, toenail-picking, slobbish self into the king of romance.
Until you return home. The post-vacation comedown made me want to crawl in my closet and never come out. No longer was I Don Juan; now I had to start thinking of romantic ideas all by myself. To counter my depression and get the most out of one last day of vacation, I spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon on the patio of the Sports Column (1930 Blake Street, 303-296-1930) with JP, a co-worker who's interviewing for a permanent position at the Institute of Drinking Studies.
Anybody can pull off a good night of partying, but it's supremely difficult to plan and execute a good day drunk. The ultimate day drunk starts no later than 3 p.m. and carries on well into the next day. We were at a disadvantage to even try this on a Sunday, because unless Monday is a holiday, Sunday always has a finite feeling. Saturday is ideal, and Friday is good, too, if you can sneak out of work. The key to making it all night is to keep your alcohol intake steady so that you maintain a constant buzz without passing out in a restroom or on a backseat by 8 p.m. Food intake must be regulated, too: You need to balance the buzz without eating so much that you want to take a nap. The dress code is much less stringent: Shorts and ratty T-shirts with your favorite ten-year-old fishing hat are recommended attire. The venue is crucial. On a nice day, any patio or poolside area will do. In cooler seasons, you must be assured of a steady stream of sports events (even curling is sufficient) to prevent any awkward conversational pauses if your waitress leaves you hanging too long with an empty glass.
But awkward pauses are rare during a properly conducted day drunk. Not having to compete with blaring house music and a nighttime crowd, a seasoned day drinker can wax poetic. JP and I were exceptionally prolific the other day, answering most of the world's pressing questions in a four-hour span. For example:
Did I get engaged in Cancun? No.
What's wrong with baseball today? Stirrups and sanitary socks are no longer part of the uniform.
What really killed Dr. Atkins of Atkins Diet fame? He saw the advent of commercials featuring low-carb beer and killed himself before some serious beer drinker could hunt him down and choke him with a bottle of Coors Aspen.
Can you rely on snap judgments when deciding whether or not you like new people? Yes. In fact, we determined in the first quarter of Game 6 of the NBA Western Semifinals that Brad Miller of the Sacramento Kings was the latest incarnation of the Antichrist (after Howard Dean).
Can the Catholic Church -- in particular, Bishop Mike Sheridan of Colorado Springs -- couple your vote with going to heaven? Yes, if you didn't go to Catholic school and learn all the loopholes in Jesus's teachings. Otherwise, your only hope is the return of tithing.
Can guys win when it comes to relationships with women? Don't bother trying. There's always something more that she wants or "needs" that you'll never figure out until it becomes part of the defense when she's on trial for assaulting you. A perfect example: JP once had a woman say to him, "I know you told me not to expect anything from you, but you still manage to disappoint me."
A properly performed day drunk with JP will never disappoint. It's the perfect transition into a night of regrets, or for easing you back into reality after a dream-like vacation. So keep JP's number handy. Me? I'm going back to Mexico.