Off Limits

Denver District Attorney candidate Mitch Morrissey, one of three Dems running to replace incumbent Bill Ritter, is happily using the same ploy, however. His campaign website includes this "Notice to Unaffiliated (Independent) Voters. You can vote for Mitch on August 10 simply by declaring yourself a Democrat at your polling place."

"We've had more than a hundred people change from Republican to Democrat just to vote for Mitch," says Jason Bane, campaign spokesman. "A lot of them are going to change right back to Republican after the primary, but if they wanted to vote in the DA race, they had to vote in the primary, and they wanted to vote for Mitch."

And they'd have to really want to vote for Mitch, since switching parties for the primary vote means they won't be able to choose between Pete Coors and Bob Schaffer, the Republican senatorial candidates.

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What's So Funny?On Sunday, August 8, John Elway will be inducted into the National Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. Were this ink and not text, notebook paper and not a computer printout, you would not be able to read further for the tears of pride streaming down my face, blurring the words as I write them. You cannot overstate the importance of this day. What more important figure has come out of Colorado? Zebulon Pike? Cousin-fucker. John Denver? Too many Muppets appearances. Don Cheadle? Badass, but even he did commercials for the NFL praising Johnny E-way. Denver's heroes are few; we've been given one king. Number Seven.

Elway's career played in the background of my childhood like an award-winning soundtrack. I was nine when Super Bowl XXIV reared its ugly head; my friends and I had no idea how to react to such a trouncing. But in the third quarter, en route to his third missed ring in four years, Elway scored the Broncos' only touchdown on a three-yard keeper, showing us exactly what to do: We turned the television off and went outside and played football. (The Broncos lost 55 to 10.) You can't always win, but you can save a little face and move on.

As Elway struggled through an all-star career, through Dan Reeves and Wade Phillips, so, too, did we struggle, through middle school and high school, always confident in our abilities yet longing to prove them to the world. Driving down Colfax Avenue after the Super Bowl win over the Packers my senior year, we did: Elway had brought us home a championship. The following year, as East Coast neophytes danced Dirty Birds in my Denver face, Johnny Elway dove for the end zone in that most brilliant of Super Bowl clips, helicopter-spinning his way into legend and further validating my state, my city and myself.

"As far as I know, the city has nothing planned," replied Lindy Eichenbaum Lent, communications director for Mayor John Hickenlooper, when asked how Denver will commemorate the momentous occasion of Elway's induction into the Hall of Fame. For shame, Hick. You, of all people, a man of the people, should realize the importance of Number Seven to the public. But before you backtrack and declare a John Elway Day, allow me to propose a more fitting celebration: John Elway Year. Here's how it shall unfold:

: August: Stonemasons begin construction of gigantic Elway head carved into side of Mount Evans. Front horse-teeth vertical climb wall opens to public August 15.

: September: Initiation of John Elway's tenure as Commissioner for the Improvement of DPS Football. Number Seven begins thorough examination of area elementary schools, weeding out "men from boys" through series of no-nonsense, grueling, rapid-fire spiral drills.

: October: To celebrate Halloween, streets of Denver flooded with the blood of Oakland Raiders fans.

: November: Senator Elway elected to office on strength of "If God Isn't a Broncos Fan, Why Are Sunsets Orange and Blue?" campaign. Ken Salazar, initially quite congratulatory, later found girlishly weeping beneath banquet table.

: December: By law, all cars purchased this month must be from John Elway dealerships. Dealin' Doug and Rocky driven to countryside, abandoned.

: January: Get Out of Jail Free Month. Police turn heads at any crime committed by Elway for thirty-day period. Anything goes, too, even the Kobe stuff.

: February: Decree from Colorado Chapter of the NAACP officially declares Elway black for Black History Month. Series of pamphlets and videos detail his triumphs over racial adversity, explain how he ushered in modern era of black quarterbacks.

: March: At 12:30 p.m. daily in Civic Center Park, Elway gets three swings with metal baseball bat at different opposing defenders who sacked him during career.

: April: Easter Sunday Celebration of the Resurrection of Christ passed over in favor of Festival of the Drive.

: May: United States Postal Service awards Elway free postage for all 31 days of May.

: June: Take John Elway to Work Month.

: July: John Elway elevated to sainthood. Displaces Mother Cabrini from Lookout Mountain shrine. By Adam Cayton-Holland