Off Limits

Double trouble

Exit, stage left.

Scene and herd: Saturday night, Lil Jon and his party peeps were chillin' in Club Soul, eschewing the Fish Bowl -- otherwise known as the VIP area -- for the press of the masses. "He and his whole crew got up and journeyed into the crowd; they poured shots into the women," says DJ Style N Fashion, a resident DJ at Soul. "The best part was when they came in, they didn't make a big deal out of it. You should have just heard the screams erupting. And then they were breaking out the cell-phone cameras. Lil Jon stayed until we closed the doors, and when the lights came up, he probably spent about a half an hour signing anything people wanted signed, shaking hands, generally being a really good person. All the little famous people come through here and they're assholes, but Lil Jon was not an asshole." Now, that's crunk....

Last week was a very good week for clowns. Not only did Denver residents make it safe for the red-nosed ones to visit our city with their circuses, but Blinky the Clown got bailed out by some fans. After reading the August 12 Off Limits item about Blinky, Pete Cook, Steve Soper, Larry Applemans, Ken Glass, Steve Simmons and Leon Simmons, all employees of local glass outfit Thermal Advantage, and all childhood fans of Blinky's Fun Club on Channel 2, donated $500 so that Denver's number-one clown can replace the smashed window of his South Broadway shop, Blinky's Antiques and Collectibles. "We have people here who were actually on the show," says Leon Simmons. "We feel he's very special. He's kind of like the Broncos."

What's So Funny?

By Adam Cayton-Holland

Governor Bill Owens seems to be everywhere these days. Between ACLU debates against Howard Dean and guest appearances on Real Time With Bill Maher, the public has had ample opportunity to gaze upon his waxed-face, transvestite-like visage. But with the state steaming toward one of the most politically charged Senate races in history, with complaints of police wrongdoing in Denver on the rise, with public schools closing because of ineptitude, with Owens himself facing a class-action suit for allegedly raiding $442 million in state funds for budget needs -- in the process, violating the Colorado Constitution -- surely the governor might want to focus on the state a little bit, maybe put the media blitz on the back burner.

"Governor Owens is very excited to be hosting his own sports show," says Dan Hopkins, Owens's press secretary.

A sports show? That solves everything!

Starting in October, Owens will co-host a monthly, one-hour sports and outdoor recreation program on the new Altitude Sports and Entertainment television network. The yet-to-be-titled show -- how about At the Taxpayer's Expense? -- will highlight recent news and events, sharing stories from the worlds of professional and amateur sports. Anyone else smell a local Emmy?

"Sports and outdoor recreation are integral parts of our Western lifestyle and heritage," Owens explains in Altitude's release announcing its new star. "The monthly program will be an opportunity to tell unique stories not only about professional athletes but about people from all walks of life who participate in sports and outdoor activities."

Owens will have the ultimate say on what segments air, and he can approach producers with his own ideas. And what might those be? Glad you asked.

SoBoard: ongoing segment in which Owens goes undercover as dreadlocked, burnout transient to bust pot-smoking snowboarders at area ski resorts

Rocky Mountain Survivor: graphic nine-minute bit in which governor gnaws off own leg in order to escape high-country bear trap

Not Figure Skating, Queer: sit-down with Focus on the Family to explain which sports are appropriate for boys, which sports are appropriate for girls

Glory Days: entire episode dedicated to fumbling game of piss-drunk whiffle ball between Owens and Pete Coors

Soccer Is for Illegal Immigrants: rip-roaring monthly Mexi-sweeps of city parks and fields

Bobo's Home Is Here: whimsical animated segments illustrating joyous life of circus animals/ totally unrelated revenue benefits once curtain drops

: Republican Leaders Jumping Rope With Minority Students!

East of Bumfuck: majestic journey to plains town of Lamar for annual Pump N' Go pong tournament between cousins Jarvis and Skeeter Mulrooney.

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