Off Limits

In 1965, we gave them $15 million as an apology.

Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

Now those pesky Indians want a casino out by DIA. In exchange for the 27 million acres they say were stolen from them -- an area that includes Denver, Colorado Springs (hell, take it) and everywhere north and east of Salida -- the Cheyenne and Arapaho tribes of Oklahoma are willing to settle for 500 acres where they can put a casino, a luxury golf course, a hotel and an American Indian cultural center. Proposal pusher Steve Hillard (Cheyenne for "He who profits from others' misery") claims the project would create 10,000 jobs and over ten years give the state a billion dollars for education programs. Another $100 million would return to the destitute Oklahoma reservation, where the unemployment rate is above 50 percent.

"Blackmail," cries Bill Owens, arching his eyebrows for the cameras.

(Oh, come on, Bill, how can you know you won't like it if you haven't tried it? Look, you're busy, I'm busy, but let's grab a night and go to Vegas together. Strippers, coke, a little high-stakes blackjack. It'll be awesome! And I'm willing to bet you'll leave wishing you could have all that right here in the C to the motherfucking O.)

The mud-slinging continues -- and it's not that fancy, Indian-spa-type mud, either. Everyone from former Colorado secretary of state Gale Norton to Senator John McCain is weighing in on the issue, and years of painful litigation loom. Unless, of course, the state gets smart and offers the angry tribes a few of these compromise consolation prizes, thoughtfully provided by What's So Funny.

• First crack at 35 to-be-determined debutantes

• Highlands Ranch

• $250 gift certificate to Bead It

• The return of Ralphie from CU

• Official renaming of Colorado Boulevard to Our-Bad Road

• Park Place, Baltic Avenue and Water Works

• You know that the Coors brewery is in Colorado, right? Maybe we can work something out there.

If all else fails, though, fuck those Redskins. Didn't we already give them Clinton Portis?