"I'm the meanest guy in Denver," confesses professional stand-up comedian Chuck Roy. "Being known as mean is cutting in on the amount of ass I get, so I have to make someone else out to be the biggest jerk in town." That ceremonial transfer of power will take place tonight at Theater du Quirque with Yell Fest, a no-words-barred contest that promises to shatter egos, test friendships and offer twisted gratification for the city's sickest minds in the search for Denver's biggest asshole.
"I'm looking for the best shit-talkers around," explains Yell Fest fight promoter and emcee Roy.
That means everyone has a chance. Roy wants more than just self-satisfied comics slapping themselves on the back for dropping witty statement number 3,006, so he's been promoting like a madman. He's papered auto shops, fire stations, law offices, Planned Parenthood -- he even tried to hang a poster at the local Halliburton offices -- and has managed to snag nearly thirty contestants to date, with new applicants signing up daily in hopes of taking home the cash prize.
But before the money comes the beef. Whoever is crowned Denver's Meanest Person will first have to make it through several confidence-devouring rounds. In round one, contestants will swap insults head-to-head until every belligerent voice is heard and judged. After a short intermission, the group will be whittled down to fifteen contestants who will be split randomly into five groups of three, whereupon the ugliest team will be eliminated immediately -- just because. The remaining teams will exchange lyrical blows, shuffle rosters, then repeat until a handful of the best slur-smiths emerge. The finalists will be turned against each other to determine once and for all the Last Dickhead Standing.
Little Juanito, a rookie DJ who debuts tonight at the show, will provide music and keep the vibe appropriately 8-Mile.
That forecast calls for outbreaks with a high probability of beatdowns.
"Those who can't take it and think they're going to swing at somebody had best get a good look at Marty, Jarod, Richie and Tracy," says Roy. "Those are my four bouncers. They'll be stationed at a table with a cooler full of beer and Two-Fisted Mario's Pizza -- that's all they wanted in their contract -- and frankly, they're hungry for someone to take a swing."
"It's time to gather, clear the air, say it like it is, then drink and have a good time," Roy concludes.