Off Limits

By Adam Cayton-Holland

Indeed.

After a series of painful campaign ads leading up to the big event, the Men in Suits took their mikes and let loose with ninety minutes of sheer, unadulterated politickin'. My favorite moment came in the final round, when Kerry thought of all the things that Bush could say about him -- how he slept with his girlfriend, how Kerry got beat up by W's crew, how Kerry's boy Cheddar Bob shot himself in the leg, how Kerry still lives in a trailer with his mom -- and then turned around and said all those things about himself first. Then Kerry was all "What now? What are you gonna say about me that I didn't already say, sucka?" And Bush was so tongue-tied that he couldn't even think of a response. So Kerry won the battle and then went back to his job at the plant, hell-bent on finally recording his rap album.

Wait, that might have been 8 Mile.

Regardless, last Thursday's debate had plenty of highlights: the lockjawed, painful opening handshake; Bush twice using the phrase "multi-pronged," a hyphenated word that, until whispered to him by an aide minutes before the debate, he thought was reserved for the plug on his foot-massager in Crawford; the enormous discrepancy in microphone length to mask the fact that Kerry towers over Bush -- do you want a president who uses a long mike or a short one? Think about it -- and that timeless classic, "vociferous."

All in all, it was a jim-dandy debate, and we have two more to look forward to. But first the combatants must prepare themselves. Last time around, Bush trained at his Texas ranch -- shirtless, with the Rocky soundtrack blaring in the background -- while Kerry took four days in Wisconsin, a-huntin' and a-drinkin' to appeal to voters still on the fence in that state. This time, Kerry's doing his training in Colorado. Boy howdy!

Shrewdly citing the benefits that our high altitude has had on the Denver Broncos -- no kidding -- the Democratic presidential candidate is spending part of this week in Arapahoe County, preparing for the debate on Friday, October 8. (We here at What's So Funny feel it our duty to inform Senator Kerry that should he choose to engage in any underage drinking while in Colorado, he should probably do it somewhere besides Arapahoe County. Trust us.) While it's not one of several pivotal swing states, Colorado still has plenty of undecided voters, and training here could prove a smart move by the Kerry campaign. But there are other reasons Kerry chose to come here. Just a few:

• Wanted to see where Klondike and Snow were born

• Intrigued by Colorado's innovative three-strikes-and-you're-still-not-out sexual-assault policy

• Relentlessly scoured other 49 states, couldn't find sparring partner even close to being as unpredictable and dynamic as that rock star Ken Salazar

• Bright lights of Wyoming too distracting

• If Teresa Heinz Kerry doesn't make it to sprawling Aspen estate for annual capture, release and ruthless manhunt of duped vagrant, she won't put out until New Year's

• Been wanting to visit original Chipotle for a long time now

• Finally settle score with One-Eyed Chester, homeless vet now living in Civic Center Park who swiped Kerry's jungle-rations packet outside Hanoi in '69

• Promised VIP tour of U.S. Mint

• Born at Fitzsimons, felt it was time to get back to his Aurora-trash roots.