Bada Bing, Bada Boom!

This local girl made good -- very good -- in the escort business.

In a strip-mall sports bar near the Denver Tech Center, the Halloween party is getting a little scary. A snowy-haired gent who's costumed as a flasher, with a massive plastic phallus dangling beneath his raincoat, is dirty-dancing to "Play That Funky Music" with a hottie in a black leather Catwoman costume who's young enough to be his daughter, maybe even his granddaughter.

"Ooh, yeah, baby," she purrs, while he grinds against her from behind. "You're soooo big."

"Maybe you should have to pay me next time," the Flasher says. Catwoman giggles and gives his nasty prop a tug.

Brian Stauffer
A Bada Bing loft.
A Bada Bing loft.

Perched on a nearby bar stool is a tall man sporting death's-head makeup, a hooded cloak and costume gauntlets depicting finger bones stripped of flesh. In one glove he clutches a cocktail, in the other a staff crowned with a thick-veined purple dildo. The strawberry blonde in a strawberry teddy sitting on the next stool leans into him and inquires, "Who are you supposed to be?" Sliding a skeletal hand over her ass, he replies, "I'm the Grim Raper."

The sponsor of this October 30 meet-and-greet is the Other Board, a Denver-based website that caters to habitual clients of local escort agencies and massage parlors. These men refer to themselves as hobbyists and go by screen names like Russian Teddy, T Baggs and Crazy Horse -- so dubbed for his penchant for presenting escorts with stuffed toy horses as gifts. There are about 200 men here and half as many women. But despite this ratio, it's the women who compete for the men's attention, rather than the other way around, because the women are professional escorts. They're here to party with current clients and solicit future business, to market their supple flesh and sparkling personalities. And so they cast come-hither glances in all directions. They laugh at the lamest of jokes. They allow their breasts to spill from their French Maid and Naughty Nurse outfits. They stroke their own inner thighs while they listen raptly to men going on and on about the Denver Broncos' offensive line, the torque of a certain motorcycle engine, the merits of various deer scents for bow-hunting. They give out their phone numbers to any man who asks.

"This is my kind of party," says Brad, a video technician from Boulder who's dressed up like a Deadhead, all in tie-dye. "You know you can sleep with any girl here."

The cover charge at the door tonight is twenty dollars, with all the money going to the Toys for Tots charity -- same as the proceeds from the kissing booth in a back room, which isn't a booth at all, really, just a plush chair behind a paper Japanese screen. The listed price is five dollars per "song" for one girl, ten dollars for two girls. Ten men -- including three lawyers from Colorado Springs -- are waiting in line, and a peek behind the screen reveals the pleasures that await these eager donors. Seated in the chair is a client dressed in a three-piece suit; enveloping him is a buxom blonde in a white-lace angel costume who is kissing him passionately, open-mouthed, and writhing in his lap. This act is known on the Other Board's wildly popular escort reviews section as DFK, or Deep French Kissing.

The Other Board's reviews, updated and drawing more than 1,000 viewers daily, include details on a particular escort's body type, tattoos, body piercings, intimate grooming and a complete listing of "ACTIVITIES BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS FOR WHICH NO MONEY WAS EXCHANGED."

This list is riddled with acronyms that are so much gibberish to the uninitiated. In addition to DFK, for instance, there is GFE, which stands for Girl Friend Experience and means that the session with that escort feels more like genuine intimacy than a commercial transaction. Other abbreviations are less subjective. DATY stands for Dine at the Y, or cunnilingus. UTF is Un-Translated French, meaning fellatio without a condom. NQNS -- Not a Quitter and Not a Spitter -- translates to oral sex performed to completion, with swallowing. YMMV stands for Your Mileage May Vary, meaning the escort performs some acts with some men but not with others. MSOG, Multiple Shots on Goal, means multiple orgasms in a single session.

At the Halloween party, just one song's worth of DFK inspires many of the hobbyists emerging from the kissing booth to untuck their shirts to conceal their turgidity. The blonde behind the screen gives her name as Haley. A Swedish-American with innocent eyes and 36DDs, Haley's one of twenty girls employed by Bada Bing Denver, one of the city's premier agencies. Clients pay $250 for a half-hour with a Bada Bing girl, $300 to $350 for a full hour. The agency also offers a "Dinner, Dancing, and Dessert" all-night package for $2,000, which allows the client to take an escort out to dinner at a fancy restaurant (he pays), then dancing at a nightclub, and then dessert at the Bada Bing in-call location, a luxury loft near downtown where the agency's bevy of beauties do their entertaining. Two-day, two-night ski-vacation packages, which include lodging, start at $4,000.

Bada Bing's owner and operator, a 37-year-old woman known in her industry as Veronika Lake, is working the crowd at the Other Board party, giving away choice Dominican Republic cigars with custom Bada Bing wrappers and handing out business cards. Decorated with the image of a 1950s pinup girl, they read, "BB Denver, LLC Entertainment Consultants. Veronika Lake -- Art Negotiator/Director of Recruiting."

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