Off Limits

The yolk's on us

Boo-yah! You hear that, Los Angeles and D.C.? You paying attention, Philadelphia and Seattle? Al-Qaeda's coming for your ass, so you'd best get ready. Here in the Centennial State, we'll be cold chillin'.

How can we be so sure we're safe? The list, dog.

And what factors does the list take into account when measuring a city's safety?

Uh, you know...stuff...and, uh, like, things and...the list...dog.

Despite brazen, emboldened headlines informing us of our "reduced threat" and "increased safety," the fact remains that nobody has a clue as to why Denver dropped on the list of high-risk cities -- yet alone dropped thirty spots, a far more dramatic change than enjoyed by any other city in America. The rankings were based on threats received against a metro area, prominent targets and population density. That's all they'll reveal. Other than that, according to the Office of Domestic Preparedness, the details are secret.

So that could mean that last year we received ten million terrorist threats, and this year only seven. Or it could mean that we're getting the same amount of shit-talking from terrorists, but other cities are getting more. It could mean that the tons of weapons-grade plutonium removed from Rocky Flats last year make our city less attractive as a target, or it could just mean that Osama bin Laden is a Kenyon Martin fan.

Anything's possible.

Personally, I attribute the dramatic change to my individual terrorist-fighting measures -- namely, the abundance of my don't-even-go-there-girlfriend blogs and long, exhausting hours spent practicing with nunchucks in prominent clearings in the city's parks, highly visible from the sky.

Many speculate that because Denver is not a port city (some experts predict the next big attack will come through the nation's loosely monitored ports), we dropped on the list. But wasn't Denver not a port city last year, too? Or did some Qwest/Comcast/Invesco conglomerate jam freighters through the Platte without anybody knowing? The authorities are mum.

Fortunately, we here at What's So Funny have the loose lips of a fourteen-year-old girl. The real reasons Denver dropped so dramatically on the list of high-risk terror sites:

Extensive Department of National Security/National Weather Service testing revealed terrorists actually incapable of controlling tornadoes.

• Red, white and blue "These Colors Don't Run" bumper sticker mounted to Trans-Am by Dale Mondale of southeast Denver.

• "Terrorist Attack" designation removed from all abortion-clinic bombings because zealots working for white god.

Grand Junction's overwhelming financial support for Israel put Denver on terrorist back burner.

• Bumbling, lovable antics of ski patrol in al-Jazeera reruns of Aspen Extreme warmed hearts of millions of Middle Easterners to our cause.

• "Festering legion of infidels" mistranslated by FBI chatter experts. Not in reference to Denver, still New York.

• Terrorists couldn't think of creative way to top Granby.

• Heavy saturation of new, menacing "Welcome to Denver" signs at DIA featuring shirtless, flexing Hickenlooper.

• Chemical weapons virtually inoperable above 4,000 feet.

So rest easy, Denver. We're 39 and feeling fine! Who wants to go skiing?

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