Off Limits

Sour grapes

"It was a great time and a great resource," she says, "but I can't hold up the whole city."

Average Joe: Even in a city overflowing with coffeehouses, news that the St. Francis Center will now be open from 9 p.m. to 4 p.m. comes as reason to pour another cup of kindness.

"The extended hours will be a coffeehouse format to offer an indoor location for the homeless working second and third shifts and for those who were not able to obtain beds or admission to the other shelters in town," explains Mark Trast, a homeless man who's been active with Mayor John Hickenlooper's Commission to End Homelessness.

Take a good look, Democrats: This is your promised 
Take a good look, Democrats: This is your promised land.

No, St. Francis director Tom Luehrs won't be serving Starbucks, but the center will have coffee and tea available for anyone who comes through the door.

What's So Funny?

By Adam Cayton-Holland

When the smoke cleared at the Nebraska-Colorado match-up -- a classic rivalry between the team that uses sex to recruit and the team that uses sex to recruit and got caught -- the mighty Buffs had roamed to victory, defeating the crumbling Cornhuskers 26-20. Meanwhile, here at What's So Funny, nobody gave a shit. We were busy frantically driving from movie theater to movie theater, trying to score tickets to an opening-night showing of Christmas With the Kranks. Because that Tim Allen just about kills us, he really does. Besides, if you ask us, there were really two winners of that football game on Friday: A.J. Anderson and Paul Creighton. True, 5'11", 175-pound cornerback Anderson may not have seen too much playing time in the game -- he is the University of Colorado's third-string CB, after all -- and Creighton, the 6'5", 245-pound running back, may have not had a carry, but they both came out tops in our book. Because Anderson and Creighton, the only CU players on the roster from the state of Nebraska, resisted the hypnotic allure of sister-fuckin' and prairie-starin' afforded by their home state and opted to stick around in Colorado instead.

Way to go, fellas: Sorority girls all around!

You see, before we sent the supercharged Black and Gold to Nebraska last week, an equally zealous Nebraska convoy had made its way to Denver. Members of the Nebraska Department of Economic Development, an agency whose earlier economy-boosting efforts included selling corn on the side of the road and waiting patiently for their teeth to fall out in order to collect Tooth Fairy money, stormed into town like crazed Amway salesmen here to hawk their far-inferior product -- in this case, themselves. Disenfranchised by the mass exodus of young people over the years -- many of them drawn to Colorado in record numbers in the 1990s, thanks to our booming economy and indoor plumbing -- Nebraska has decided it's high time to call those people home. "We only gots a 3.7 percent unemployment rate now," they say. "That means jobs, you sons of bitches! Plus, our property's cheaper than Colorad-y's -- and we got two movin'-picture houses now, one in color!"

Billed as a Nebraska Alumni Celebration -- apparently GED recipients are allowed to hold class reunions, too -- the gathering on November 20 was a huge success, drawing around 250 curious attendees to listen as 75 Nebraska employers discussed everything from school districts to critter removal, hyping the state for the mostly young crowd.

"I simply love the Nebraska people, the lifestyle there and their politics," gushed one Celebration attendee to the Omaha World-Herald. "Mom finally said for me to go find out what's there or to quit talking about it." You know how girls can be when they get to gabbing about Nebraska.

Joe Zelasney, a man born in North Platte, Nebraska, who moved to Denver when he was three and is a longtime friend of the entire staff of What's So Funny -- Joe and What's So Funny once almost got stabbed together in Guanajuato, Mexico -- does not share such zeal. "As far as moving back to what is arguably the nation's most backward state," he said, "I'd sooner drink turpentine and piss on a bonfire."

Indeed. But then, Joe did not attend the conference and thus did not hear all the new information available. A few of the lesser-known benefits of moving back to Nebraska:

"Incest" now accredited major at over 70 percent of in-state universities.

Abundance of wide-open spaces provides near-limitless area to bury crop of bodies just rotting in basement.

Part-time stock boy at Walgreen's in Pueblo? Try assistant manager at Walgreen's in Lincoln.

As one of two states with a split electoral-college system, more likely to have vote for Democratic candidate actually count. Talk about a mindfuck.

No longer have to fake interest in outdoor sports.

Mayor of Arthur, Nebraska, population 145, will personally fellate anyone who moves to town within next ninety days.

No minorities in Nebraska.

Healthy dose of Midwestern ennui could really help the tone of that screenplay you've been working on.

If you kill a hooker in Omaha and just keep quiet about it, nobody really seems to mind.

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