Lindsay Lohan

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There's a scene in Mean Girlswhere Lindsay Lohan's character lip-syncs at a talent show with her beslutted Plastics. The music suddenly cuts out and Lohan begins singing, promptly saving the day. Unfortunately, Speak, Lohan's new disc, features no such triumphant moment. Because while deft screenwriting augmented Lohan's natural charm (read: big boobs) in the film, the gaggle of uber-producers assembled on the album are too busy trying to sound like everything else out there for anything to resonate. Sure, catchy Trapper Keeper manifestos like "Over" and "Something I Never Had" will keep TRL hysterical, but failed attempts at au courant '80s-rock-renaissance on tracks like "Nobody 'Til You" or "Anything But Me" sound phony and forced. The single "Rumors," a clubby, stay-out-of-my-life-paparazzi song rings particularly hollow to anyone who realizes Speakis a crossover album. Bottom line: This is the overproduced, disconnected pop pastiche we all expected. Unless you're a vapid fourteen-year-old girl, the album blows. Something Lohan is going to have to get pretty good at if she wants to stick around in this business.