By Joel Warner
By Michael Roberts
By Alan Prendergast
By Michael Roberts
By Michael Roberts
By Amber Taufen
By Patricia Calhoun
By William Breathes
After waking up on the floor of a weight room in a CU-Boulder fraternity house last week, covered in permanent marker and with a black eye, two broken ribs and a sore asshole, What's So Funny was understandably confused. The portion of Funny's memory that might be able to account for such a scenario had been completely obliterated, washed away like great swathes of land in an alcohol tsunami. On the highway back to Denver, though, we were elated to find a tattered portion of a secret document in a gob of mucus at the tail end of a furious coughing fit. It quickly became clear that Funny had been engaged in more of the signature investigative journalism that has garnered us so many awards, most notably a Pulitzizer for urban-affairs reporting and an Oscar for best sound editing.
The document contained the minutes of a CU Inter-Fraternity Council meeting concerning the University's new restrictions on fraternities and sororities. CU has given the Greeks until April 29 to, among other things, agree to delay rushing from the fall to the spring, prohibit underage consumption of alcohol at events and abolish any form of hazing as well as use of alcohol in pledging situations. Organizations that do not agree to the school's demands will lose such privileges as inclusion on the school's website and in its publications, and access to the Greek affairs office and student facilities. To date, all of CU's sororities have agreed to the changes -- while not one of CU's frats has said a damn thing. But they've been talking, as evidenced by our secret document that captures the Inter-Fraternity Council's recent discussions on the issue, reprinted here:
Banquet Hall, Boulderado Hotel:
April 23, 2005, 11:16 p.m.: Council President "Corn Nuts" takes podium. Brother Used Tampon emphatically shouts "Corn Nuts!" Others follow. President Corn Nuts beseaches[sic] brothers to come to order. Notes that council still has five days left before they have to return rented monkey and that there will be plenty of time after meeting to continue teasing it/making it drink beer. Thanks Brother Back Fat's father, inventor of Hot Pockets, for renting banquet hall, asks Brother Grimace to play music. Brothers air-guitar to White Snake's "Here I Go Again" for several minutes, refill from keg, come to order. President Corn Nuts reminds council of nature of meeting: to decide on a stance with regard to new University restrictions. Brothers boo, throw cups. Brother Donkey Punch begins familiar "Hoffman is a cunt" chant. Brother Camel Toe informs Brother Donkey Punch that Betsy Hoffman is no longer chancerler[sic]. Brother Donkey Punch silently refills at keg. President Corn Nuts unveils PowerPoint presentation put together by computer-science major Brother Dilton Doiley. Brothers scream "Doiley!" and Brother Used Tampon gives Brother Doiley noogie. Brother Doiley carefully explains University demands to council four times. 12:08 a.m.: Using finger puppets, Brother Doiley finally conveys request of University and opens floor to questions. Brother Castro Street asks: If Council agrees to move rush activities to the spring, can they still hold annual Halloween Rush Mixer with Alpha Chi Omega sisters? Brother Doiley doesn't answer. Brother Sexual Chocolate asks how council is supposed to make pledges fuck a goat without alcohol. President Corn Nuts calls for recess. Brothers take keg-stands. Beer-pong tournament ensues. 1:21 a.m.: Foregoing prepared PowerPoint presentation, Brother Doiley reuses finger puppets to explain repercusions[sic] of not agreeing to University's policy changes. Notes that fraternities will not lose their houses if they don't agree to changes, as houses are not University-owned. Recently returned from bathroom with puke on shirt, Brother Narrow Urethra mumbles inchorenlty[sic]. Brother Camel Toe explains that Brother Narrow Urethra asked if they will be a renegade fraternity, still on campus but outside the CU community, if they don't agree to changes. Brother Doiley says "ostensibly." Brothers are silent. Brother Doiley explains that ostensibly means "basically." Brothers cheer loudly. Cries of "Renegade, renegade, renegade!" fill banquet hall. Jay-Z/Eminem song "Renegade" begins to play, brothers dance and scream. "Hoffman is a cunt" chant resumes; no one stops it. 1:47 a.m.: Boulderado Hotel manager informs Council we have to leave. President Corn Nuts retakes podium and says that all the fraternities should really try to get together more often, "and not just for business and shit like tonight, but just, like, to kick it sometimes, you know?" Brothers cheer loudly, promise to get together for football game first thing tomorrow morning, hopefully barbecue after. 2:13 a.m.: President Corn Nuts returns to retrieve rented monkey, now passed out under podium.