Sex rules. Actually, sex rules for ten months out of the year. Sex in July and August is an act of love, an act of desperation or a combination of both. Sure, when you're sixteen and doing it in your boyfriend's parents' basement, it's one thing. But as a grownup in a hundred-year-old house with no AC, it can get a little too sweaty.
Far be it from me to suggest that you go celibate until September, but if for some reason (either in or out of your control) you find yourself staring down the barrel of a sweltering, sexless summer, here are a few good activities guaranteed to get you all hot and bothered -- with little or no penetration.
Steamy: The Total Body Elixir
The Renaissance Aveda Spa & Salon (1717 Champa Street, 303-308-0524) has a massage sure to have you screaming "Oh, God, don't stop!" You wouldn't think a combination of massage and hot water would have that effect, but this is the most sensual, invigorating, thoroughly insane -- and legal -- body rub you can put your body through. Scented oils and sea salts combine with seven shower heads to attack your chakras in a hypnotizing rhythmic pattern. At the end of an hour, you'll be in a warm, wet trance, begging for more. You may never need to get laid again.
Screamy: The Mind Eraser
Yelling is for the young. Think about where you do it: scary summer movies, the front row at concerts and, of course, in the throes of great sex. As you get older, it gets harder and harder to find excuses to scream bloody murder. That is, unless you buckle yourself into Six Flags Elitch Garden's (2000 Elitch Circle, 303-595-4386) Mind Eraser. It's pretty much your ordinary roller coaster, except you're the car. Your feet dangle from a hundred feet up, and your sweaty palms vainly clutch the handlebars as you're tossed, turned and zoomed at an unforgiving sixty miles per hour. Screaming doesn't even begin to describe the guttural sound leaking out of your lungs. As you slide into the off-loading station, you're flooded with a combination of catharsis, relief and the really fucked-up desire to do it all again.
Thrilling: Go-Kart Races
There's just something about putting the pedal to the metal that gets the blood pumping everywhere. And, yes, I mean everywhere. The IMI Motorsports (5074 Weld County Road 8, Dacono, 303-833-4949) one-mile track is packed with a combination of hairpin turns and balls-to-the-wall straightaways. And your racing rig? Think commercial lawn mower flying at speeds upwards of fifty miles per hour -- with surprisingly good acceleration and handling. But if all the fishtailing, careening and spinning wildly out of control doesn't get the blood flowing to every muscle in your body, perhaps the competitive urge to beat the lap clock will. When you feel the need, feel the need for speed.
Chilling: Ride St. Mary's Glacier
Who says snowboarding season has to end just because they close the chairlifts? If you're still itching for a rush, throw your board on your rack and head up to St. Mary's Glacier (http://backcountryalliance.org). Less than an hour from Denver, you can get in as many great runs as you have the energy to hike in for (there are no lifts to take you up to the boarders' year-round oasis). Add several feet of snowpack to 70-degree days, and you get a tantalizing mixture of icy-hot guaranteed to send shivers up your spine. A little ice burn never hurt anyone.
Fulfilling: The Ultimate Wasabi Buzz
First your scalp starts to tingle. Next, your right eye twitches. Then your left eye. Sweat beads up on your brow. Finally, a shiver runs through your whole body as you wave your hands, stomp your feet and pant uncontrollably. Your dinner-mates gawk as you let out a primordial whoop and fan yourself feverously with a napkin. The wasabi buzz. There's nothin' like it. Get yours at Sushi Hai (3600 West 32nd Avenue, 720-855-0888) before you go out (to get rid of pent-up energy) and capitalize on the happy hour from 4:30 to 6 p.m. Mary, Mother of Christ! Was it good for you?