By Alan Prendergast
By Michael Roberts
By Michael Roberts
By Amber Taufen
By Patricia Calhoun
By William Breathes
By Michael Roberts
By Melanie Asmar
Look, What's So Funny had a pretty busy weekend, okay? First there was our birthday party, which was a total mess. Melo showed up and we had to be like, "You know the rules, Melo. If you wanted to come, you should have invited us to your party. We thought we made this clear." Then he was all crying on the corner, and he threw the present he got us into the gutter. We opened it after he left -- a DVD of Napoleon Dynamite, which is one of our favorite movies and was just such a sweet gift. So we had to feel shitty about that all night. Then on Saturday it was raining, so we just hung around the apartment sniffing ether, really. On Sunday, Independence Day was on TV, and What's So Funny has never made any secret of how fond we are of Will Smith. Remember how when the alien got out of the spaceship, Will punched it in the face and was all, "Welcome to Earth!" So when you get right down to it, there was no way we could make the Capitol Hill People's Fair in time to participate in the inaugural People Speak.
Apparently, they didn't even miss us. People Speak -- which gave people the opportunity to grab a mike and expound for five minutes on whatever they deemed expounding-worthy -- was an overwhelming success. According to Drew O'Connor, executive director of Capitol Hill United Neighborhoods, around 130 citizens participated, ranting respectfully on topics ranging from the state of the world to why it's important to use an ashtray. The forum was a bastion of tolerance, understanding and dialogue. "Whether people were focused on specific issues or more broad and conceptual, I was continually impressed with the level of analysis," O'Connor says. "People carefully formulated their thoughts, and everyone respected the ground rules."
Well, duh: What's So Funny wasn't there. We can't recall ever carefully formulating a thought. (Well, once, maybe, but the guy at the drive-thru said they weren't carrying the McRib.) A What's So Funny informant who made it to the fair reports that not everything ran smoothly. Some tirades were broadcast at a blaring volume, further annoying turkey-leg-munching spectators who were already on edge. It would seem that they were waiting for What's So Funny, our informant informed us -- or at least intended to inform us, even though he actually went out of his way to say that no one he talked to had even heard of What's So Funny. We think he was just delusional from the heat.
To those of you who waited fruitlessly Sunday in the hot, People's Fair sun for What's So Funny to take the stage, we apologize. How you must have pined for one of our signature, razor-sharp political diatribes, our scathing critiques of social landscapes. "Who will get it today?" you no doubt wondered. Bill Owens, privatized Social Security? France, for rejecting the EU constitution? Wonder no more, readers. Here is our People Speak:
All right, Chipotle and Qdoba, if those are your real names, it's time to get your shit together. Too long have we sat here idly, swallowing like feeder pellets your delicious burritos, knowing full well you could be doing things better. Fresher ingredients, you ask? Different spices? A more friendly staff? Of course not. Your ingredients are incredibly fresh, your spices intoxicating. And your staff? Well, let's just say it's hard for us to walk out the door without hugging every single one of them. Especially Hilario. But with just one simple change, you could vastly improve your product. You ready? Stir the ingredients before you roll the burrito. It's that easy! At Illegal Pete's, they just mix everything, roll up that sucker, and off you go. Do they have a patent on that? We doubt it. It's such an easy move, yet so brilliant, ensuring that you don't wind up with a sour-cream deposit at the end of your burrito or entire mouthfuls of just rice. Instead, each bite becomes a cornucopia of south-of-the-border goodness. So, in closing, stir your burrito ingredients, Chipotle and Qdoba. Jesus, figure it out already.
We're sorry, but it had to be said.