Hot Times Ahead

Summer is upon us, and you know what that means: the birds and bees getting all natural and shit in the flower beds, rabbits and squirrels frolicking in the bushes — hey, tail! — and that musky sample platter of pheromones spritzed into the breeze by critters far and wide.

All that romping has traversed the human olfactory, too. Don’t act like you haven’t noticed: Tank tops have been pulled on and waistlines pulled in. Toenails have been painted and stubbly man-beards pruned into more aerodynamic chin straps. Restaurants have opened their patios and cafes propped open their doors.

And there we are, getting our fix of coffee, food, beer.

And there they are, serving it to us: the hotties.

And here we are now, with our quiet crushes, our secret lusts.

These are the service employees who make us feel warm in the seat of our pants, people we compose love poems to in our minds while waiting in line — only to then fumble another pickup attempt. They are our own personal celebrities, private gods and goddesses we see every day and dream about every night.

They deliver our mail and fill our gas tanks and gullets. They serve us with gorgeous smiles and skilled hands. And they do so with wit and humor, and eyes we’d like to jump into and splash around in for a while. They give meaning to the routine dreariness of our daily lives. They might think that they’re stuck in hourly-wage anguish, but to us they’re superstars.

And they don’t even know it.

Well, here’s your chance, Denver. Westword is looking for the metro area’s Hottest Service Employees, the coolest waiters/waitresses, bouncers, baristas, lawn boys, record-store clerks, retail lovelies and fry-cook beefcakes. We’re desperately seeking any awesome chick or dude who has you twisting your napkin day in and day out: the bull dyke of your dreams, the gay guy next door, the baby-faced beauty behind the counter who has it going on both upstairs and downstairs so that you just can’t stand it anymore. Instead of People magazine, think “Normal People Magazine.” Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and the whole US Weekly crew can go screw themselves in the seventh level of celebrity hell for all we care. We like our obsessions local.

Some Sample Hotties

Molly

Age: 26

Status: None of our business

Where do we lust for thee?

Sundown Saloon, 1136 Pearl Street, Boulder

Grindstone: Waitress

Got served: Till Pabst do us part

Molly, Molly, Molly. Was that you we dreamt of last night, galloping toward us on a white stallion while balancing a tray of shimmering whiskey shots atop your long, slender arm? Oh, your laughter is like sunshine. Your kiss? We dare not imagine, lest we lose our propriety and get ejected into the alleyway like past unruly fops who have tested your cheerful manner. "The Sundown Saloon" also known by its rougher patrons as the "Scumdowner" or, simply, the "Downer" seems incongruous to your day job doing community-outAeach work for the Colorado Division of Wildlife. Then again, considering that you grew up in Morrison and graduated from the University of Colorado with a degree in Environmental Studies, we could not imagine you serving martinis at some yuppie lounge down the street. Strangely, the AC/DC on the jukebox, the cheap beer and the beat-up pool tables seem to fit you well. Even the notorious "Sundowner smell" of stale smoke and dingy wood that clings relentlessly to clothing and hair becomes a charming perfume when worn by you.

Justin

Age: 26

Status: Single and sassy

Where do we lust for thee?

Pasquini’s Pizzeria, 1336 East 17th Avenue

Grindstone: Delivery driver

Got served: A slice of our hearts

We heard that Justin was quick with the clutch, so we cornered him outside his Golden Triangle apartment before he could jump in his pizza-delivery truck and drive off and out of our lives forever. Is he aloof or just shy? Don’t play mind games with us. Actually, he’s an artist, a painter who graduated from Rocky Mountain College of Art and Design and has a show opening on June 3 at 3553 Brighton Boulevard. The invitation shows a young man standing in a corner with his head pressed into the wall. Is this how you feel, Justin? Sometimes we feel sad, too. Maybe we could be sad, together. But Justin is actually a well-adjusted and affable hottie. He’s only been at Pasquini’s for two weeks; before that, the Colorado native worked in a deli, a toy store, as a dishwasher and in "so many pizza places." His eternally tousled brown hair and sepia-toned skin made us think he was Italian. But, no, he’s actually a mutt of various European bloodlines, including French. It’s all the same to us; we like our pies with lots of toppings.

Deadline for nominations is Monday, June 27 at Westword, 969 Broadway, Denver, 80203 or via email: editorial@westword.com. For information, call 303-296-7744. The final voting takes place the week of 7/18 and runs through Friday 7/22. Cast your vote for the finalists who made the cut!

 
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