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White Noise

Who does Jack White think he is?

Jack White's new look and persona give us a few clues as to Who he's trying to be these days. Take a look at these facts about the White Stripes frontman and see if you can figure it out:

1. He's traded in his minimalist attire for that "bizarro dashing dandy" look -- black top hats, odd suits and devilish facial hair in line with such hardy adventurers as Zorro and the Three Musketeers.

2. He's fascinated by weird scientific gadgetry -- note his obsession with the electricity-pumping "Tesla Coil" in last year's Coffee and Cigarettes.

3. He travels with a buxom sidekick who has nothing much to say and no discernable skills; she's pretty much just along for the ride.

4. He's into low-budget special effects, famous for eschewing digital technology in favor of analog recording gear and vintage guitar pedals, and for making White Stripes albums on the super-cheap.

5. He's especially fond of time-trekking -- from London for the garage-rockin' 1960s, to the Mississippi Delta during the 1930s blues explosion, to early 1920s in the Netherlands at the height of the De Stijl art movement, or to bars in 1940s Hollywood where Rita Hayworth hung out.

6. He's madly in love with all things British, from Led Zeppelin and his beloved Toerag Studio to his recent bride, Manchester-born supermodel Karen Elson.

7. In his own charmingly nerdy way, he seems intent on saving the universe (from bad music).

It's just so obvious, isn't it? It's as plain as a Meg White beat: Jack White is clearly auditioning to become the next Dr. Who! If he does score that coveted role, here are some episodes we can look forward to seeing:

• "Seven Time-Lord Army": A freak hiccup in the time-space continuum brings all the past incarnations of Dr. Who together in the Majestic Zone, where Jack's arch-nemesis -- the ProTools Master -- disguises himself as Jack and beats the crap out of the Fourth Doctor and his robot dog. The other Time Lords team up and pursue the real Jack around the universe until he's able to convince them what truly happened.

• "Get Behind Me, Cybermen": While traveling through tunnels deep within the planet Grokster, Jack discovers a secret lair where the feared Cybermen are downloading songs for free. Jack plans to infect them with a deadly virus, but his equal disdain for the music industry results in a moral dilemma, and Jack decides not to destroy them.

• "Fell in Love with a Dalek" -- After getting dumped by Floozee, Princess of Gallifrey, Jack heads to the planet Skaros, where he promptly romances a half-mutant rolling trash can with a raspy voice. But when his new love threatens to "exterminate" him, Jack hops into the TARDIS and gets out of there in the nick of time! (Renée Zellweger guest stars.)

 
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