By Drew AIles
By Taylor Boylston
By Bree Davies
By Emerald O'Brien
By Gina Tron
By Jon Solomon
By Drew Ailes
"We are in great haste to construct a magnetic telegraph from Maine to Texas," wrote celebrated technophobe Henry David Thoreau in 1845, "but Maine and Texas, it may be, have nothing important to communicate."
The poor guy would have dropped a load if he'd lived to see Myspace.com. Recently sold for over half a billion dollars, the two-year-old website -- which has been ranked the fifth-most-viewed site in the world -- allows bands with only an iota of computer literacy to create profiles, put up MP3s and network with potential fans (or "friends") from around the globe. But, as with blogs and podcasts, there's a downside to such universal accessibility: an avalanche of crap. Colorado alone has more than 3,000 band profiles clogging up the byways of Myspace like undigested meat. Here are four, um, intriguing local acts to check out this work week while surfing your way to a pink slip.
Toxic Robot: Looking more like hemorrhoids than androids, DJ Plutoniom and Professor Plum wrap aluminum foil around their heads, then make assembly-line techno songs about -- you guessed it -- toxic robots. Where's Will Smith when you need him? (www.myspace.com/toxicrobot)
Dmitrius Hunglbecker/Bonerman: The alter ego of some disturbed, lonely UNC student, Bonerman posts convoluted rants outlining all his fictional hits ("Shitty," "Come Hump Me," "Psycho Lover Goes to Hell") and his urge to sacrifice virgins to Satan -- then goes on to compare himself to "someone that made funky butt love to your grandma last night." Greeley, now you know where to look if bodies start turning up. (www.myspace.com/bonerman69)
Get Outta My Face and the No Thank Yous:No thank you? For a group that cites GG Allin -- the late punk nihilist known for eating his own turds on stage -- not once, but twice on its list of influences, that's downright polite. (www.myspace.com/ getouttamyfaceandthenotha)
Astrohot Astronaut: Meet Skully Osis, a one-man goth-comedy troupe who resembles Atom and His Package lobotomizing Alien Sex Fiend. Best lyrics: "I wanna eat a chicken dinner!/I wanna be a race-car winner!/I wanna cut off my balls!/I wanna nail 'em to the walls!" But Osis is more than just one of the oddest Denver musicians Myspace has to offer; he's also its conscience and lone voice of reason. "This music sucks," he posts, addressing all those who might stumble across his weird, tiny planetoid in cyberspace. "Why are you even here?" (www.myspace.com/astrohotastronaut)