Ashlee Simpson

I feel let down, Ash. The cognoscenti dismissed the rock moves on last year's Autobiography, but I believed in them -- and in you! You were tough, and that quality should have served you well in the wake of your recent adversity. So what happened? Why is the "you" in Me less sassy than self-pitying?

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More About

• Lorne Michaels
• Saturday Night Live
• Ryan Cabrera
• Relationships
• Dating

Sure, the title track has some of the old swagger, and "Boyfriend" is catchy and confident. On the latter, though, you deal with your side in the Lindsay Lohan-Wilmer Valderrama love triangle by wailing "I didn't steal your boyfriend" instead of telling that hair-dyeing ho to shove it. Same goes with your reaction to the SNL lip-synching fiasco. Mewling about your hurt feelings in crapola like "Catch Me When I Fall" is the wrong move. You should have cranked up the guitars, told Lorne Michaels to kiss your ass, and square-danced into the sunset.

Next time, don't let the bastards get the best of you -- and don't get back together with Ryan Cabrera, either. Talk about making a bad situation worse...