What Was So Funny?

We laughed until it hurt in 2005.

May brought Fred Phelps and the nobody-does-crazy-like-we-do-crazy Westboro Baptist Church to Colorado Springs to protest against Focus on the Family for being -- get this -- too tolerant of homosexuals. Phelps and his glue-sniffers think queers are damned to hell, so fuck 'em, while James Dobson and his pill-poppers think maybe they can win 'em back to Jesus. Since Phelps was in the neighborhood, Soulforce -- a group promoting freedom from religious and political oppression for the GLBT community -- was out there protesting at Focus on the Family, too. Crazies yelled, Christian rockers sang, a man in sweatpants carried a giant cross, another man on stilts creeped out small children. Fellini, Dalí and Hieronymus Bosch all watched with girlish glee.

Upon entering the office on a cool June morning, What's So Funny was alarmed to find an empty cubicle. Normally by the time we arrived, Jonas, our fact-checking monkey, would already be hard at work, his brow furrowed, acres of fresh copy perused and fixed. But Jonas was gone this day. A trail of Wite-Out bottles led to the back alley, where he lay bloated and dead. Jonas had promised that he'd kicked the habit, but it was not so. Part of What's So Funny died that day, too.

July was pretty hot; August was hotter, and we may have eaten some ice cream. Then in September, old King George II came to NORAD in Colorado Springs to monitor Hurricane Rita, because nothing says "I care about black people" like monitoring a storm from a conservative, white city a thousand miles away! Take that, Kanye. What's So Funny sent slanderous text messages about the president to all of our buddies, then came to regret it when we discovered that Bush was reading them all. Well, the ones without big words. And somehow now we're paying $13,000 in taxes per month. Huh.

Ethan Wenberg

October was full of political fervor. Voters were presented with a slew of issues to vote on, some of which we even understood. Referenda C & D, we were told, were very important to the future of Colorado. Some tricky issue involving TABOR refunds and whether we, as voters, wanted to give that money back to the state so that Colorado could buy pencils and orange traffic cones. In the end, we approved C but not D, because C was the grade we would rather receive in high school. Denver voters also passed Initiative 100, which says that it's okay for us to possess one ounce of weed, but that really we still get arrested if we do. Seems clear enough.

November saw the highly hurtful, highly public parting of ways between What's So Funny and our companion lemur, Marshall. Seems Marshall didn't think the What's So Funny train was moving fast enough, and he didn't mind telling the press about it, either. A bare-knuckle fistfight on the 16th Street Mall effectively severed our relationship, and Marshall split for Hollywood, where we hear he's somehow involved with the new Vin Diesel project. We wish him nothing but AIDS.

December...what didn't happen in December? A proper ending to this column, that's what. But seeing as we've just about nailed our word count here, we'll close simply by saying that when you think about 2005, dear readers, try to treat it like an auld acquaintance. Let it be forgot, and never, ever brought to mind.

Here's wishing you a much funnier 2006.

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