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Racines

Sex shows demand adult beverages.

I had high hopes for the "Sex and So Much More Show" at the Colorado Convention Center two weeks ago. Since it was billed as a venue for the free exchange of ideas on healthy adult relationships and their sometimes frightening variations, we figured there would be lots of people in various states of undress -- and hoped that most of them would look all right undressed. We even thought the most depraved among us might learn something from resident experts. After all, Jenna Jameson (the first lady of blond-bombshell sex stars, with enormous fake boobs and hyperactive vocal cords) and Ron Jeremy (every guy's favorite porn star, since he is uglier and has more back hair than almost all of us) were in attendance, along with lesser-known film stars. If nothing else, we knew we'd see various home appliances that would be hysterical, if not utilitarian.

But the show was a disappointment. When we first walked in, we encountered a seminar on anal sex and thought about joining, but then the Head of Pathologic Drinking discovered that class participation was not encouraged. As we continued through the show, we didn't see many people in states of undress, and the few we did see should have kept their clothes on. One attractive young lady was walking around in nothing but a painted-on latex bikini top and short shorts, but the titillation derived from that was quickly chilled by the sight of a guy in a leather harness and nipple clamps being led around on a short leash by his leather-clad mistress. Unfortunately, the top two porn stars had departed well before our arrival, and we saw no one who appeared qualified for this career path the rest of the night. What we did see was uninspired lap dances by strippers who wouldn't make good money elsewhere on a Saturday night.

At a back booth, we did get a crash course in S&M as a guy with a cheesy pencil-thin mustache demonstrated whip use on a naked young lady, and we also caught an entertaining demonstration of pole dancing for those of you looking for a fun way to burn calories and end up in traction. Numerous booths were hawking adult apparatuses, but rarely anything you couldn't find in your neighborhood sex shop. About the only really intriguing one -- we dubbed it the "Hobby Horse" -- consisted of a trampoline with a hole cut in the middle, so someone could sit on it and have the ride of his or her life, if you know what I mean. And at least the Sleeve vendor offered a brief tutorial on his product.

But we'd already heard volumes about the Sleeve during our pre-convention preparations at Racines (650 Sherman Street). Looking forward to a night of lechery, about a dozen of us met at this very crowded bar/restaurant for some advance lubrication (rim shot!). Naturally, the conversation immediately turned to lascivious thoughts and our favorite marital (or otherwise) aids. The Sleeve rated high, especially when teamed with something called the "O-Ring Technique." I can't pretend to have understood the entire discussion, but we all agreed that the federal government should extend Medicare benefits to cover Sleeve acquisition and maintenance.

We enjoyed several very adult beverages at Racines (especially the margaritas that came with shakers on the side, just like when you order a good chocolate malt), although surrounding tables thought we should slow our consumption. In fact, we received the yellow card fairly early for volume infractions and probably content. My personal belief is that in a really crowded, loud restaurant, you don't hear surrounding or competing conversations unless you're actively trying to eavesdrop. And in that case, your time might be better spent resolving your ADHD affliction.

Although the Racines crowd was a tad uptight and the Sexpo a disappointment, we did have a very enjoyable evening. The convention crowd confirmed our belief that there are still a lot of people at least as sick as we are, so we can continue to rationalize our anti-social behavior. We also learned that with a little effort, a simple home product like an exercise trampoline can be turned into a life-altering device. But the Institute recommends riding only if you are over fifty inches tall and have already enjoyed many adult beverages at a place like Racines.

 
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