By Brian Turk
By Drew AIles
By Taylor Boylston
By Bree Davies
By Emerald O'Brien
By Gina Tron
By Jon Solomon
May 4, 2006, 7:49 a.m.: WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Remember that Carl's Jr. ad, the one with Paris Hilton humping a soapy car and biting into a hamburger? That was by me, and despite my better sense, I agreed a few months ago to direct Paris's new music video, too. My first concept was a parody of that sex tape I've been jerking off to, but Princess Overdub insisted on this hackneyed black-and-white Chris Isaak ripoff with her skipping down a beach in a leopard-print swimsuit.
11:42 a.m.: MILLI VANILLI, PART DEUX
Paris is in her trailer, crying. I'd feel bad, butwell, gimme a break. We've wasted two hours of filming only to discover she doesn't even know the lyrics to her own song. All she has to do is lip-synch, by the way, and she can't even manage that.
10:11 p.m.: POSITIVITY'S A WORD, RIGHT?
She has no rhythm. She simulates dancing by tossing her head back and forth. Her performance with the hairless monkey we hired to play Helena Christensen looks as sincere as the one she gave Rick Solomon's video camera. But she's more than willing to strip down and pose for a camera -- and that's always good, right?
May 28, 2006, 1:11 a.m.: MAKE ME NICE AND NAUGHTY!
I can't sleep. The faux-tropical riddims behind Paris's overdubbed voice haunt me whenever I shut my eyes: "I can make you nice and naughty/Be the devil and angel too." Tried jerking off to her sex tape again, but it's just not the same anymore. Where'd I put my Vicodin?
June 4, 2006, 2:46 p.m.: WHERE'S MY FLIGHT SUIT?
The video's done, and I take comfort in knowing that no one in their right mind would ever want to watch anything Paris is in that doesn't involve night vision. It's back to directing real artists' videos now -- as soon as Britney pumps that baby out, anyway.