By Joel Warner
By Michael Roberts
By Alan Prendergast
By Michael Roberts
By Michael Roberts
By Amber Taufen
By Patricia Calhoun
By William Breathes
He had to pay for sex? How bad ishe in bed?" That's what Denver favorite Nuclia Waste, the first drag queen ever featured in Forbes (April 2005), wondered as the news oozed out last week that Pastor Ted Haggardhad been a regular of male escort Mike Jones.
"I was just glued to the Internet on Friday," Nuclia continues. And by the end of the day, s/he'd created his/her own response to the situation: Nuclia Waste's Evangelical FREE Dating Service. "Are you tired of squandering your congregation's hard-earned tithes on gay prostitutes and methamphetamines?" the site asks. "You've come to the right place! Why pay for sex when you can get it for free?" There's more, lots more -- including a chat room titled "Waters of John the Baptist Hot Tub" -- at http://www.nucliawaste.com/freedatingservice.html.
"It was just for amusement's sake, just for fun," says Nuclia.
And girls -- even radioactive girls with three nipples -- just want to have fun.
Lady Libertarians:The final votes have been cast, long hours have been logged tallying numbers, computer glitches have been carefully covered up, and we now have the results of Westword's all-important MyRace gubernatorial election announced in our October 26 issue. As you may recall, whichever candidate garnered the most "friend requests" on his or her "Westword-sponsored" MySpace page by November 1 would take the online crown.
And the winner is...Libertarian candidate Dawn Winkler! That's right, after Bill Ritter's early lead in friend requests, Ms. "Vaccinate the Government" Winkler pulled ahead last week to end the race with nineteen new liberty-loving friends. What with stocking their desert compounds with firearms, who knew Libertarians had enough time to screw around on MySpace?
Some visitors to the candidates' MySpace pages appeared to believe they were corresponding with the actual candidates. Pablo, a 51-year-old Cortez resident, wrote this sincere message to our imaginary Winkler:
I find your profile most interesting! Can you explain why the vaccination program should be eliminated? Just curious...
Independent candidate Paul"Dancin' Fruitcake" Fiorinogets a special nod for apparently being the only candidate to attempt to actually get in on the MyRace action. On November 3, a poster who identified himself as "Paul Noel Fiorino" posted the following on the Westword blog:
Thanks for giving us equal time,space,face in a race with pace,spicing up this pathetic, apathetic, sympathetic, wreck of political process to get the voters to vote or not, but you gave it your best shot, just as we all did, this round anyhow.
We figured it was either Fiorino or Eminem.
While Winkler may have successfully rallied the guns-and-ammo crowd, runner-up Ritter stole the hearts of the MySpace demographic. In a message titled "Hi there," 23-year-old Meko of Denver proffered some fashion advice:
The next time you have a public function, you should where dark blue jean pants and dark brown shirt. The shirt shouldn't be tucked in. But then again, if the function calls for you to be dressed up, you should where black slacks and a dark blue dress shirt, or a black suit with a dark blue dress shirt. I just think a guy looks real nice in black pants and a dark blue shirt.
She then tactfully posed a personal question:
So, have you ever dated a black girl before? Not that I'm asking 'cause I got a man. haha I was just try'n to figure out your character.
With MyRace, character counts. What's a Colorado Springs pastor doing paying for gay sex when there are so many hot men on their knees here in Denver?